The Bumpy Ride

Another day, another metaphor. Well, a literal one this time. We went on a family bike ride, just the six of us. It was a bumpy ride.

We’ve been encouraging our now 8-year old to learn to ride a 2-wheeler for a while now. He was never into his balance bike and has been an avid scooter-er for years now. The bike had grown into a larger-than-life thing. So we stopped pushing. Our school district does a unit on biking in fourth grade, so at the latest, we hoped they might teach him. And then COVID hit, and a great way to be socially distant while with your friends is to go biking. Motivation kicked in, along with the idea of using his big brother’s bike with hand brakes and the pandemic-inspired stretched out time and space to practice something challenging. Suddenly it clicked and he could ride!

Oh the joy! He rode all day long. He told everyone he saw. He was beaming with pride. And then snap--the chain broke! This is probably not a big deal for bikers, but we are not handy with anything, including bikes. “Not to worry,” said the problem-solving side of my brain, “I’ll write out to my Facebook community to see if anyone is looking to sell a bike.” A friend came to the rescue with not just one, but two bikes, and for free! (And we got to pay it forward with our bike to a family that knows what to do with a broken chain!)

We finally had 4 bike riders, 4 bikes, and a chariot trailer for the twins, so we could do a family bike ride. Hooray! We had promised a ride to a local farm with ice cream and apple cider slushies once R learned to ride his bike. That day had arrived. We pumped tires, we tightened bolts. All this took time and fortunately the kids were patient, though it turned out they were eating granola bars with chocolate so when I looked in the trailer it looked like a literal sh** show!). Luckily I had packed wipes (and a portable potty, change of clothes, sunscreen, bug spray, snacks, and water… you know, just a few things to add to the weight of the trailer when a family goes out for a bike ride!). Off we rode! It was wonderful riding as a family. Those small hills were hard, and the sweat was pouring down, but we made it to the farm and there was ice cream and there were slushies, and there were even friends to chat with there, from a safe 6-foot distance of course!

As I took my first pedal to head home, I discovered I had a flat tire. Problem-solving time again. Luckily we remembered how to switch the trailer, so we attached it to my husband’s bike so I could ride as much as I could on the flat tire and walk the rest of the way with my bike. Well, turns out that without air in the tire, turning is a totally different ball game. I should have learned this lesson the first time I tried to turn, but it took two times to confirm that I should dismount before any turns. Luckily, no injuries. Definitely some fear on my part as well as anxiety from my oldest about my falling and about R potentially crashing into him with a sudden stop. Like I said, no physical injuries.

Long story long, we made it home. On the positive side, R persisted and learned to ride a bike. We persisted through a broken chain, fixing handlebars, dealing with a flat tire, changing the chariot attachment, and getting back up after falling. On the negative side, all of those things happened. But that is the bumpy road of life.

These days that bumpy ride seems bumpier by the day, and to be honest, I’m not always glad to be on the ride. Our persistence and optimism are really being put to the test. But, these bumpy rides are truly the stuff of which memories are made. Those bumps challenge us (I was so patient!), make us stronger (I can figure this out!), bring us closer together (remember that time…), and remind us that, no matter what bumps are in our roads, we will ride on and we are enough. So as you journey along your own bumpy road, remember that this parenting journey was already a marathon, and now is an ultramarathon, and there are hills, potholes, and cramps along the way. Those are just growing pains. There are also summits, vistas, and a great future story to tell. You got this!

Missing Normal

I emailed my kid’s teacher asking if I should defrost the chicken. I looked in the mirror and wondered how Frida Kahlo got into my house. I haven’t worn pants with a zipper in at least 6 weeks, and when I noticed a coffee stain on my shirt I started wearing it inside out. We’ve acknowledged before that we’re not playing with a full deck these days, and these daily happenings are testament to that. Life’s not normal, and it’s taking a toll. 

This week a good friend asked what I miss the most about normal life. I miss restaurants, hosting friends, pushing babysitter curfews, getting lost in stores. Most of all I miss having plans and taking them for granted -- knowing that something’s coming up that breaks routine, often with people I feel lucky to call friends. I’ve developed a surprisingly masochistic habit of watching events pass by on my Google Calendar, refusing to delete them even though they’ve long since been cancelled. 

My kids know they’re missing important things, but fortunately still lack a good sense of time and are blissfully unaware of what was supposed to happen when. If my 4th grader knew he’d have a baseball game this weekend, he’d throw a fit. If my kindergartener knew how many birthday parties would have happened by now, he’d cry. Maybe as you get older it’s not just that your sense of time sharpens, but that you become able (or inclined) to visit that parallel life-- the one that reminds you of where you would be, what you would be doing, and who you’d be with if things were different (or, in this case, if you didn’t worry that those things would put those you love on a ventilator). 

I ask myself almost daily why I don’t delete cancelled events from my calendar. They make me sad, but I think they also serve as a reminder that our pandemic routines are not our real routines. Rather, they’re breaks from our real lives that are filled with things we can confidently look forward to. And as I imagine myself in my parallel life -- at a party, a concert, a reunion -- there are optimistic undertones to the sadness I feel, in that I know I’ll be back in that real life soon. I just can’t mark the date in the calendar.

Project-Based Learning

Project-based learning is a term to describe learning by doing. Its goal is often to foster approaches towards learning, like curiosity, goal setting, collaboration, persistence, and problem-solving, rather than starting with specific skills or concepts that a lesson is built around. Learning at home is a rich opportunity for this type of learning. While it can take a more “traditional'' form, like creating and running a lemonade stand, building a model volcano, or researching a planet or animal of interest and then designing an art project or report to demonstrate learning, it can also take surprising forms. Below we offer some ways we’ve engaged in project-based learning during the pandemic.

Glow Sticks Dance Party

An example from a weekend a few weeks back was the arrival of a package of glow sticks. The sender shared a clip of kids dancing like glowing stick figures in the dark, and that was the spark that put things into action. First, we had to figure out how to attach the glow sticks to clothes. We tried scotch tape and masking tape, but they weren’t strong enough. Duct tape to the rescue! We even had to try out different size pieces of duct tape, as well as how many glow sticks to put on our limbs to still allow for dancing movements. Next, we had to find a spot in the house that was dark enough for the full effect, and finally select some music and practice coordinated dance routines. All together, we spent about 3 hours on a rainy Saturday doing this, and another couple of hours with new songs and routines on Sunday. And this might have continued longer, but the glow sticks lost most of their glow.

If you want to try this at home, we found these Kids Bop Dance Along Videos that can really help with the coordinated dance routine aspect of this project. (Even without the glow in the dark part, these are fun videos for movement time indoors.) For younger kids, we needed easier versions of dances, as well as a different variety of song choices. No surprise that Baby Shark was quickly requested (don’t hate me!), but there is also Freeze Dance or Shake Your Sillies Out, and anything Laurie Berkner Band (we are huge fans of The Airplane Song, The Goldfish Song, and We Are the Dinosaurs!).

Exercise Videos

Another way to stay active and learn together is by making an exercise video. Marion’s kids kicked us off in this effort with this fabulous video, and it inspired my kids to get in on the action as well! The kids had to think about which exercises to include, write them down, decide how many repetitions and in what order, practice it, sometimes explain it, count their movements, and then work with an adult to learn some movie-making skills. But the best part is that my kids often request Marion’s kids’ video for our morning movement time because they love seeing other kids leading the exercises and it taps into their competitive spirits. And they are constantly adding to a list of what to include in their next video, so stay tuned for more!

Marble Races
All of our kids love building marble tracks. We are fortunate to have various materials that they use for this, including some plastic pieces, Duplo pieces, and wooden pieces, but you could also be creative with materials at home like cardboard, paper towel or toilet paper rolls, cut up plastic bottles as funnels, and so on. We also have lots of marbles, but you can also use bouncy balls, ping pong balls, pebbles, or even acorns. One day the twins were playing with the plastic tracks and realized that some of the marbles were too big to fit on the track and some were just right. They were very excited to test every marble and put them into containers of “too big” and “just right.” My boys will always notice that some marbles are faster on various tracks than others, which usually ends in negotiations (if I’m lucky) or fights (if I’m not lucky) over who gets the fastest marbles. Well, it turns out that the same marble is not necessarily the fastest on different materials (yay, a compromise!) and that’s pretty interesting to explore. Also, some of the tracks allow for steeper inclines than others, or have the potential for drops, jumps, and so on, and that is also interesting to explore. The fact that they are asking these questions, creating different tracks to test out their ideas, being systematic in their analysis of their findings (e.g., it doesn’t make sense to retest every single marble of the same type), comparing each others’ creations and findings, communicating what they are finding out, and all the while excited and engaged is what I call a great project-based learning experience! And as this video of Marion’s son shows, there is a whole lot of persistence, creativity, and enthusiasm involved too! And all of that is not even mentioning the math and physics that they are using and experiencing naturally in their investigations. There is a huge fan following for marble track races on youtube kids that can inspire more ideas (like Rube Goldberg creations) and questions too! (By the way, you could also think about this activity as race courses for cars instead of marbles if that’s more up your kids’ alley!)

Ask Questions

You may wonder where to start with project-based learning, and a great place to start is with a question, hopefully from a child. You might be surprised by what questions your kids have (though you probably are not at this point in your parenting journey!) and how challenging it can be to actually answer them. Stephen Colbert is giving it a shot on this hilarious segment that I hope he keeps up! It’s been a while since we’ve shared a list of digital resources, but this spreadsheet is an amazing one. It has livestream options by topic area in a schedule grid, and offers great ways to keep your kids occupied, engaged, moving, and best of all, to spark their own ideas! And speaking of questions and ideas that were sparked, look out for Marion’s upcoming post on her son’s science fair question!

The Deck is Half Full or Not Playing with a Full Deck: You Decide

It seems that every day I find another card from that red deck of cards. My older boys are into magic, so they often have a deck of cards they’re carrying around for practicing tricks. My toddler twins are more into cards than I could ever have imagined. Seriously, one of them will sort Paw Patrol Uno cards by character for 20 minutes, just to dump them all on the floor again and start over. Between the four of them, though, I literally find one of these red playing cards hiding in our house every day--under the couch, in my bed, stuck to my foot, in the fridge (seriously!), or some other random location. It’s as if these cards are pushing this metaphor of life on me as I collect them one at a time, day by day, hoping that the deck will be full very soon, but never actually having enough time or energy (or perhaps even desire to know) to count the deck. The good news, though, is that the deck is definitely more than half full!

Carrying the metaphor forward, these days are increasingly about piecing it together bit by bit, ignoring the absence of energy, feigning enthusiasm, bootstrapping those last shreds of motivation. And while I may be noticing those missing cards, I’m simultaneously feeling ever so grateful for the cards I’ve been dealt. Put those phenomena together, and humor keeps finding us. Here’s an example:

My kids always have questions. They start like this: “Mom, I have a question.” I wait. Did they want me to acknowledge that before the actual question? “Yes. Go ahead. What’s your question?” I guess it’s good that they are making sure I’m listening because, let’s face it, most of the time I’m probably not listening. Today I answered, “My time for questions is between 9:24 and 9:27. The window has closed. I am open for comments. Can you rephrase your question as a comment?” (Oops! That was a question. Hope they didn’t notice.) Lo and behold, laughter was followed by rephrased questions as comments. That was more fun than fielding questions. And to be honest, responding to comments takes less energy than answering a question. There are fewer possibilities, and more opportunities for the speaker to actually state what they want rather than leaving me guessing. Oh yeah. I did learn about “I statements” at some point! Next I said, “In about 5 minutes my window for comments will close, and it will be the time of day where I accept exclamatory remarks.” Turned out this was the most hilarious part of the grammar lesson! (Note the exclamation!) Give it a try. Say whatever you feel like in the most excited way you can. “I’m opening the mail!” “Your underwear is in the drawers!” (Pun intended.)

While we’re on the topic of absurdity and arguably not playing with a full deck, what were we thinking trying to potty train our twins during the pandemic?? Well, our twins are almost 3 and they are girls. Everyone says girls potty train before boys, and our boys were potty trained at 3. And we’re at home, which is a great place to potty train, and the weather is getting nice so they can be outside. What could possibly go wrong? I’ll tell you what. I seriously am not prepared to clean up another puddle on the floor or mess on the carpet while cheerfully talking about how everybody has an oops sometimes (even a Beautiful Oops) one more time! (On the plus side, they do usually know when they need to go, at which point they insist on a diaper because why use a toilet when it’s right there?!)

Finally, it’s always nice to remember that we are not alone in this “adventure,” and that sharing in it can help us find our own lost cards or realize that a Paw Patrol Uno one can be a great replacement. This article is full of great first-hand accounts of what survival looks like in pandemic parenting. And I got this tip out of it: “We also created a code word: ‘Space Attack!’ Whenever one of us says it, we all have to scatter so we don’t lose our tempers at each other.”

I had better end there because those little aliens are arriving, and I anticipate a “Space Attack!” I just hope I didn’t miss that short window during the day when exclamatory remarks are allowed.

Skipping the Vernal Pool

Last week, Deb raised the issue of how far to push our kids with “school” work when they’re clearly not giving it their all-- because of laziness, boredom, more pressing priorities (e.g., Fortnite), or other reasons. Sometimes I push, and sometimes I don’t. Since Deb’s post I’ve been more reflective about when, why, and how I make my kids persist with things they don’t want to do.

I’ll admit it usually comes down to whether I personally value the activity or assignment. Is it a persuasive essay? It’s gotta show solid effort. Need to find the least common denominator? Keep at it, or tomorrow’s assignment will be even harder. But then there are things I let sit untouched or half-baked, like to write (again) about signs of spring based on a naturalist’s vernal pool observations; learn to do an Electric Slide; practice the trumpet.

As I make these sorts of subjective decisions, I dabble in guilt about the ways in which I’m inserting my own values into my kids’ daily choices. What if they would be great trumpet players, kickass Electric Sliders, or vernal pool experts if I actually were to give them that push?!? What if the school’s mindfulness videos would really be great for my kids if we all took them seriously (we either skip or to be ironic watch them in double speed)?

I realize that as a parent of young kids, I’ve always been a strong influencer of their behaviors and thinking about what’s important. The difference right now is that there are so many fewer opportunities for other people (classmates, friends, teachers, coaches...) to influence their ideas in different ways. Given that, shouldn’t I cast the widest activity net possible to make sure they give due attention to more things that might stick? Should I be doing the Electric Slide with them right now?

Time for Another Reality Check

It’s 9 pm and all is quiet in the house. Our twins go to bed at 7 and our boys at 8. My husband and I usually use this time to eat dessert, talk about what’s on our minds, tune out with a show… And then suddenly, footsteps. All parents know the footsteps. Someone can’t sleep, needs water, is sick, is scared, remembered the punch line to the joke they started at lunchtime... This time it was one of our toddlers and, like all of us these days, she was totally confused about what day or time it was. She sprinted into our bedroom, blankie trailing behind her, saying “The owl’s green! The owl’s green!” (The owl, a toddler alarm clock that turns green at 6:45 am, lets her know that it’s okay to wake up and come get us.) The owl was most certainly not green.

She arrived at our empty bedroom because we were in the kitchen, eating dessert and relaxing. My husband went upstairs to find her panicked that we were not there, totally confused about what was happening, and slowly walked her back to bed, explaining that the owl is still getting used to our house and must have been confused. He’s good at those on-the-fly details.

***

I’ve heard repeatedly this week that the weariness has really hit hard. For weeks now, we’ve rallied as best as we can to create a “new normal,” and we dug deep to keep up our energy through a roller coaster of growing pains, but all of that is starting to crack and fade away. We are tired, we are confused, and we need some reassurance that help is on the way.

Let’s start with tiredness. My 10 year-old son slept until 9 one morning this week. Somehow that didn’t make me feel any less tired. Weird. My husband and I have been treated to waking up at 5:15 without an alarm these days because that’s when the birds start chirping, which means that’s also when our twins start chirping. Perhaps you’re familiar with that piece of wisdom about putting children to bed later so they will sleep later? If so, then you know that wishing for something and getting something are two different beasts. Toddlers and logic are like oil and water--they don’t mix. But I digress. It’s no surprise that having young children means that I may have gone for a walk, eaten two meals, cleaned the kitchen, done a load of laundry, painted, scooted, and changed clothes three times before 9 am. But keeping that up in the context of doing 16 jobs all day only allows one to remain human for so long.

Let’s keep that in mind when I note that I woke up that 10 year old at 9 am (so he could get dressed and eat breakfast before his morning meeting) and was not met with a delighted smile and deep appreciation of having gotten a great night’s sleep. As you might imagine, my level of empathy for being “forced” awake by a gentle rub on the back was in the negative numbers.

And let’s keep that in mind when I tell you about the next part of my day. As the learning coach part of my day began, my 10 year old started by putting down his brother for not knowing something. Then the 7 year old was falling off his chair, complaining about everything placed in front of him, and doing his darndest to push every literal and figurative button of mine at his disposal. As Mike Barbiglia would say, “what I should have said was nothing!” If I were a more human version of myself, I might have remembered an effective strategy or been able to empathize. I might have reminded myself that my 7 year old has been a trooper, staying positive, engaged, and playful throughout this quarantine. But keeping the context already mentioned in mind, I didn’t do any of these things. Instead, I said, “We can watch this video lesson all day!” I’m just going to leave it at that. You don’t need to think too hard to imagine how well that went over.

Let’s move on to confusion. While our girls have been thrilled to have their brothers around so much, it is quite confusing to them who will be available to them at any given time or day. There is no bus to mark a school day. There is no office to mark my work day. There is no outing to mark a weekend. And perhaps because of those missing signals, one of our twins is expressing her confusion by insisting on the least convenient person as the only possible person who can help her at a particular time. Once Dad is at work, he is the only person allowed to put on her shoes or change her diaper. When one of her brothers is in a school meeting, only he can give her the toy she wants. We all try to wait out the soundtrack of screaming until that sweet little voice asks for what she wants nicely, but even then we all tiptoe ever so gingerly in our soothing, worried we might accidentally strike the match that will set off the next fire.

Finally, let’s get to some reassurance. Despite the craziness and exponential amounts of guilt I shouldered this week, clearly not being my best self, we made it to Friday. And our exhaustion and disorientation turned to pure silliness. My 7 year old’s class celebrated a Fancy Friday morning meeting and he wore a button-down shirt with not just a tie, but also a bow tie! (Listening in, I got to hear one classmate question whether leopard print is really fancy like her mom insisted.) One of the twins wanted to get in on the Fancy Friday action, so she wore a sparkly bow tie with her dress. She pretended to have “academic time,” and took out a white board and markers to write some “worms.” (Some misconceptions are just too delightful to correct.)


My 10 year old’s Friday math assignment was to use his own experience to write a word problem. This was what he came up with:


I shared this problem with my actual brother, who happens to be named Sam, who rightfully asked if he was being implicated in a murder. I can’t say for certain one way or the other.

The laughter that has overtaken us today reminds me of the importance of humor right now, just like this therapist noted in her piece entitled, The Toilet is the New Couch. And if sweetness is your jam and you haven’t already seen this amazing video making the rounds, check out this dad reading a bedtime story to his kids, supposedly in the future, about how the world changed for the better because of the virus. We can only hope!

Webinar on Early and Middle Level Education in Disruption

I recently had the incredible opportunity to moderate this UVM webinar featuring these amazing educators: 1st grade teacher Hannah Luce, early literacy expert Juliet Halladay, early and middle level grades expert Jessica DeMink-Carthew, and 7th/8th grade teacher Jeremy DeMink. They all had really valuable information, suggestions, and resources to share, so I’m making it into a blog post to highlight the key take-aways. One of the most interesting, and perhaps obvious in retrospect, things to me was that the advice and suggested supports for learners from early childhood through middle school are not very different. We all need the same things, just tailored to our developmental level. (I also found this webcast from the Society of Research in Child Development on The Science of Learning and Teaching at Home to be very informative and to cover many of the same points.)

Pandemic Learning: Coining a term for the current situation is difficult since this is unchartered territory. We tried to at least be realistic about what the current learning environment is so that we could then talk about supporting learning within that context. So what is pandemic learning? It’s remote learning in crisis. This emphasizes the even greater than normal need to attend to social and emotional wellbeing for you and your children (and for teachers!). And the remote part emphasizes that there are still teachers in charge of instruction, which helps to differentiate the parental role as a coach or manager, helping with motivation and encouragement, and schedules and time management.

Which brings us to Motivation and Independence: Authentic activities that children value and where children are set up for success are inherently motivating. While games or stories (books, shows, movies, etc.) might be obvious examples of activities that motivate children, they are not the only options. Giving children choice, including an appropriate amount of challenge to match their skills, and providing opportunities for collaboration are also motivating. In fact, making choices is addressing the need for autonomy and the development of independence as children move towards middle school. Providing menus of options; helping children break large tasks into smaller, manageable pieces; having them practice setting timelines; and providing frequent check ins with opportunities to reflect and celebrate successes will support this critical area of growth.

Doing this implies a certain amount of Schedule and Routine: We’ve been over this before, but routines are comforting to children because they’re predictable, and therefore support their emotional wellbeing. Another framing of routines is as norms that allow for sustainability (or more bluntly, sanity!). For example, upper elementary and middle school students might have a rule of “ask 3 before me,” where they must consult at least 3 people or other sources before turning to you for help. This means that you are not constantly needed throughout the day!

Similarly, schedules help children with the development of executive functioning skills by learning how to manage emotional and cognitive needs to achieve a goal (i.e., plan and prioritize tasks, initiate and maintain focus on tasks, and organize time to accomplish tasks). Noteworthy is that the creation of a schedule is tailored to the individual child through their choices, so it is not one-size-fits-all. You or they might notice which activities are preferred and which are not preferred and alternate them in their schedule. You or they might provide incentives or rewards for completing less favorable activities, like going outside to play or watching a show. Furthermore, schedules include more than just academics. As adults we try to plan when we’ll get in a jog or an exercise class, when we’ll prepare dinner, or when we’ll connect with a friend. Including things that bring us joy is critical, and again supports choice-making, independence, and executive functioning. We’ve talked about checklists as a way to create this type of schedule with kids, but having a morning planning meeting to do this together is another way. And, another key point is that supporting social and emotional wellbeing requires knowing when to take breaks, so the schedule must have some flexibility to stop when frustration levels are too high or to make changes when unproductive habits appear. As this article notes, focusing on social and emotional learning is a great way to get ahead of meltdowns by being proactive rather than simply reactive.

And in case it wasn’t clear from everything above this, putting Social and Emotional Learning and Wellbeing at the heart of everything pandemic-related was likely the biggest takeaway. Keeping our eyes on the big picture of having children come out of this experience physically and emotionally healthy is also in the interest of having them ready to learn and return to school as usual. For younger children, this means helping them to put words to the way they are feeling and to co-regulate those emotions by guiding them towards relaxing activities like walks, bike rides, games, puzzles, Legos, and so on. For anxious kids or those who struggle more with emotional regulation, they may need more than variation, they may need a cognitive distraction. For older children, who are developing their own identities and self-images, they need to maintain relationships with peers. Video chats for talking, sharing a meal, playing a shared game, or engaging around a shared interest allow for these connections and can remove awkwardness and pressure around interacting in this new environment. Social and emotional well being is not just for our children either! Teachers and parents also benefit from attending to their feelings, and we all benefit in terms of our attention, memory, and learning. Emotions matter for decision making, for relationships, for health, and for performance.

So what do we do when things are not working? Remember these guideposts:

• Am I being realistic about what I can do in the context of pandemic learning?
• Am I taking on too much responsibility for my child’s teaching and learning instead of allowing for motivation and independence or asking for the teacher’s help?
• Are my child’s non-intellectual developmental needs being met (Maslow before Bloom)? Are our actions in keeping with the big picture goals?
• Use your own Executive Function skills to reflect on what might need to be adjusted. Do we need to take a break? Trust your judgment, and return to things out of the moment by asking and listening, problem solving together, and encouraging self-advocacy but also recognizing when you need to advocate for your child.

Finally, we considered the potential Opportunities that might come out of this pandemic learning environment. First and foremost, hopefully a greater awareness and attention to social and emotional learning alongside academic learning will result. Hopefully we as parents will have a better understanding of our children in multiple ways, that allow us to support them emotionally and academically in a more personalized way. We will have more practice at interacting with school and teachers and supporting the school-home environment to allow learning to occur more naturally across borders and contexts. Perhaps our relationship with technology will be more balanced after prolonged overuse and over-reliance. Maybe our knowledge of where to go to find high quality and effective digital resources will be enhanced.

And we ended on the reassuring note that all kids will have experienced this unusual disruption when school resumes and that teachers are quite used to and capable of handling kids with wide ranges of abilities entering their classrooms. And when all else fails, turn to humor! Some of these are hilarious!

Unplugging

Last week was our district’s “spring break.” At first I wished we could continue in our school-from-home routine, but soon I realized how nice it was to actually have this break from managing devices, troubleshooting technology, figuring out who is using which device when, with which headphones, in what location, etc. Unplugging used to mean getting away from screens, but now it has an even bigger meaning. It also means unplugging from the many new roles I’ve been thrown into since school (buildings) closed.

And the result was that, for the first time since quarantine started, I actually felt that pause button of which I’ve heard and of which I’ve dreamed. I actually forgot which day of the week it was. I didn’t worry about time. We went out for a walk and we came home and we ate. We spent time together in the way I thought we might all along. We played games, bickered, went for walks and bike rides, bickered, read, cooked, bickered some more, cleaned the house--oh wait, no, cleaning didn’t actually happen. I finally was able to actually slow down. (Who knew it would be so hard to slow down, even when thrust inside your own home?)

And then I noticed it again this past weekend. When there aren’t all these plans and options for things to be doing, there is no maximizing--no making the “best” plan, trying to figure out the “ideal” timing to fit things in, no trying to compromise and give everyone a choice and make and keep everyone happy. Instead, we went outside. We scooted around the block. We drew with chalk on the driveway. We chatted with our neighbors across the street. We noticed the space beside our house that might just be a great place for a fort or castle (depending on your preference). We were creative and playful and interacted because our minds were open and our bodies were present. (As you’ll note from this mind-body talk, I still haven’t failed my imagined self on the meditation front--woohoo!)

Never would I ever have thought to gather sticks and make a fortress (there we go--I combined fort and castle) before, but we did. And I can’t put my finger on why this happened. There are still plenty of things I could do.

Maybe it’s the fact of the quarantine continuing for so long that has gotten me here. We’ve all read about how unsustainable the situation is. This article found that the workday has increased by an average of 3 hours per day! The lamenting about the inability to unplug from work had me thinking about how, in addition to the demands of working at home and supporting learning at home (each of which are full-time on their own), we are also now parenting 24/7. We used to have other people in our children’s lives that would play with them, learn with them, co-regulate their emotions with them, or take them when we needed a break. And while adults might be able to get these things more naturally in a virtual world, we still suffer these same losses to our freedom to do these things in our own way and on our own time. Maybe there is only so long we can stay in these negative states of panic, fear, loss, anger, and so on, and then we must somehow find a way to unplug, and that for me unplugging meant stepping away from the constant multi-tasking and managing of people, logistics, and technology. And that when I unplugged in this way, I made space for being in the moment. Maybe.

Or maybe it was just luck and it too will pass. Whatever it is though, we are all doing a lot of “never would I ever”ing. And in that spirit, I leave you with this funny podcast about the joys and struggles of motherhood, and this admittedly long episode about the things we never thought we’d find ourselves doing or allowing. And if you have a chance to unplug from everything else, it is full of relatable moments that might make you laugh, reflect, and feel seen and validated, and maybe that’s just what you need right now.

Continuing… Is a Pandemic Really the Time?

You may recall this part of my post about Finding the Humor in Failure:

“Treading the line between parent and teacher can often be a challenge…Snap out of it! This is not the opportunity of this pandemic. Quality time and fun and organic learning is the opportunity.”

As promised, I have more to say about this! For starters, it’s not so easy to “Snap out of it!” is it? We have all sorts of reasons for why we might be pushing our kids. Perhaps we’re worried that our kids will fall behind, or we’re worried about letting bad habits form or we’re catastrophizing that these bad habits could (gasp!) solidify. Maybe it feels like supporting academic learning is the only thing in our control right now, or maybe we just have a lot of practice at expecting more of ourselves so it’s easy to do this to others, particularly in times of stress. Or maybe it feels like we’re the ones failing when our kids do work under our supposed supervision that doesn’t match what we feel are their capabilities.

Whatever the reason for pushing, the fact remains that running head first into a defensive line doesn’t typically make much forward progress. (That’s as close to a football analogy as I will ever get, so enjoy it!) Are these actually bad habits? Are our kids being lazy, or are they actually communicating preferences or just expressing what they need right now? And to be honest, how much of our children’s choices are under our control? Yes, we can guide and suggest, but we aren’t the ones doing or deciding for them. We can support and encourage, and be there when they regret a choice. But actually letting them make choices and live out the consequences, for better or for worse, out there in the real world is the only way they can learn about the kinds of choices they want to make. And loving them and being by their side, no matter what, may actually be our strongest lever of change.

Speaking of which, I had a real aha moment with that lever the other day. It was the first day back from “spring break.” My oldest was anxious about getting back into our school from home routine. He was anxious about what work might be awaiting him and how he'd get through it. So we sat down and looked at his weekly menu from his teacher, organized by assignments to turn in, suggestions for additional work, and bonus ideas to extend learning. We made a checklist for the day that included getting started on two assignments, checking his school email, and a suggested activity of using Flipgrid to share two truths and a lie with his class (and then watch his friends’ posts and respond with his guess of their lie). We also included our everyday activities: opportunities for movement, music, independent reading, video chatting with a friend, household help, collaborative learning time, free choice, and independent time.

Despite putting suggested times next to each line of the schedule, he went down the rabbit hole of Flipgrid. (This is his first social-media type experience, so it’s not surprising that he was roped into the commentary, but it is a good reminder that this kind of resource, regardless of the potential for creativity and connection, requires some scaffolding for learners to manage their time. More to come on things like this and Messenger Kids in a future post...) At the end of the day, one of the assignments was not started, and he felt stressed about it. Normally this would mean that I also felt stressed about it. Lucky for all of us, today was not “normally.” Remembering my lever, I reminded him that I’m here to support him in organizing his time and finding strategies to stick to the schedule, but that it’s up to him to decide what’s important to him and to prioritize his assignments. Miraculously, the next day he asked me to set a timer for 15 minutes when he used Flipgrid, and he worked his way down his checklist with more success. (Phew! Glad that didn’t backfire!)

Now I don’t mean to suggest that school assignments aren’t important or that you should say something that you aren’t comfortable following through with yourself. What I do mean to suggest is that you (and I) are not the student, nor are you (or I) the teacher. Your child is the student and it’s up to his or her teacher to motivate and give feedback when an assignment is not completed or is not completed in the way that meets expectations. For the same reasons some of us cannot teach our own children to swim or ski but do love to swim or ski with them, some of us cannot be their teachers and expect to be able to actually enjoy learning time together. Separating those roles and responsibilities may actually be the path towards fun and engaging time together that has learning within it.

I also don’t mean to minimize the individuality of your child and situation. For me, I knew that my oldest was motivated to complete his assignments and capable of doing so, and that his anxiety could be its own gentle lever to work on time management. For others, motivation is the struggle or working through social and emotional needs takes priority over academic ones. I have a lot more to say about both of those things, so stay tuned for that post next week!

And lest you think this revelation changed my world… today I found that same child curled up at the bottom of a closet during a Zoom meeting with his word study group. Who moved my lever?