Continuing… Is a Pandemic Really the Time?

You may recall this part of my post about Finding the Humor in Failure:

“Treading the line between parent and teacher can often be a challenge…Snap out of it! This is not the opportunity of this pandemic. Quality time and fun and organic learning is the opportunity.”

As promised, I have more to say about this! For starters, it’s not so easy to “Snap out of it!” is it? We have all sorts of reasons for why we might be pushing our kids. Perhaps we’re worried that our kids will fall behind, or we’re worried about letting bad habits form or we’re catastrophizing that these bad habits could (gasp!) solidify. Maybe it feels like supporting academic learning is the only thing in our control right now, or maybe we just have a lot of practice at expecting more of ourselves so it’s easy to do this to others, particularly in times of stress. Or maybe it feels like we’re the ones failing when our kids do work under our supposed supervision that doesn’t match what we feel are their capabilities.

Whatever the reason for pushing, the fact remains that running head first into a defensive line doesn’t typically make much forward progress. (That’s as close to a football analogy as I will ever get, so enjoy it!) Are these actually bad habits? Are our kids being lazy, or are they actually communicating preferences or just expressing what they need right now? And to be honest, how much of our children’s choices are under our control? Yes, we can guide and suggest, but we aren’t the ones doing or deciding for them. We can support and encourage, and be there when they regret a choice. But actually letting them make choices and live out the consequences, for better or for worse, out there in the real world is the only way they can learn about the kinds of choices they want to make. And loving them and being by their side, no matter what, may actually be our strongest lever of change.

Speaking of which, I had a real aha moment with that lever the other day. It was the first day back from “spring break.” My oldest was anxious about getting back into our school from home routine. He was anxious about what work might be awaiting him and how he'd get through it. So we sat down and looked at his weekly menu from his teacher, organized by assignments to turn in, suggestions for additional work, and bonus ideas to extend learning. We made a checklist for the day that included getting started on two assignments, checking his school email, and a suggested activity of using Flipgrid to share two truths and a lie with his class (and then watch his friends’ posts and respond with his guess of their lie). We also included our everyday activities: opportunities for movement, music, independent reading, video chatting with a friend, household help, collaborative learning time, free choice, and independent time.

Despite putting suggested times next to each line of the schedule, he went down the rabbit hole of Flipgrid. (This is his first social-media type experience, so it’s not surprising that he was roped into the commentary, but it is a good reminder that this kind of resource, regardless of the potential for creativity and connection, requires some scaffolding for learners to manage their time. More to come on things like this and Messenger Kids in a future post...) At the end of the day, one of the assignments was not started, and he felt stressed about it. Normally this would mean that I also felt stressed about it. Lucky for all of us, today was not “normally.” Remembering my lever, I reminded him that I’m here to support him in organizing his time and finding strategies to stick to the schedule, but that it’s up to him to decide what’s important to him and to prioritize his assignments. Miraculously, the next day he asked me to set a timer for 15 minutes when he used Flipgrid, and he worked his way down his checklist with more success. (Phew! Glad that didn’t backfire!)

Now I don’t mean to suggest that school assignments aren’t important or that you should say something that you aren’t comfortable following through with yourself. What I do mean to suggest is that you (and I) are not the student, nor are you (or I) the teacher. Your child is the student and it’s up to his or her teacher to motivate and give feedback when an assignment is not completed or is not completed in the way that meets expectations. For the same reasons some of us cannot teach our own children to swim or ski but do love to swim or ski with them, some of us cannot be their teachers and expect to be able to actually enjoy learning time together. Separating those roles and responsibilities may actually be the path towards fun and engaging time together that has learning within it.

I also don’t mean to minimize the individuality of your child and situation. For me, I knew that my oldest was motivated to complete his assignments and capable of doing so, and that his anxiety could be its own gentle lever to work on time management. For others, motivation is the struggle or working through social and emotional needs takes priority over academic ones. I have a lot more to say about both of those things, so stay tuned for that post next week!

And lest you think this revelation changed my world… today I found that same child curled up at the bottom of a closet during a Zoom meeting with his word study group. Who moved my lever?