A year or so ago, my husband and I noticed we were having nightly battles with our kids about how much of their dinner they needed to eat to get dessert. How had we turned into the stereotypical parents we swore never to be? He had the idea of deciding on what a reasonable amount of dessert would be and making it available regardless of all other consumption for the day. So even if you don’t eat the broccoli at dinner, you can still have a cookie or a scoop of ice cream. For most of us, this freed us up to actually try more things, linger over the meal more, and not place more value on the dessert than the dinner. (One of our kids remains a very picky eater, so I certainly do not proclaim to have all the answers!)
Building from this same approach, we decided that 1 hour of screen time each day was an amount we felt comfortable with, regardless of what happens during the rest of the day. So we separated screen time from the checkboxes. Instead, screen time was added to the list for the day, and the boxes were reframed as boredom busters to be chosen rather than responsibilities that were non-negotiable. Suddenly they seemed more appealing!
We did have a conversation about this switch with our kids, discussing which boxes would be easy to continue checking off and which ones would be harder for them to motivate themselves to do (chores!). We did not say that all boxes had to be checked daily, but we did remind them of our expectations of being a part of a family team. We said we’d circle back at the end of the week to see how things were going. Not surprisingly, our avid reader was reading a ton. But our more reticent reader was finding times within the day to read in shorter bursts--to his younger sisters or to himself--and was actually enjoying it more since he wasn’t setting a timer and getting through a reading session. I was enjoying being able to ask for help with things more in the moment, rather than trying to come up with helpful things in bursts so they could get to their videos and then refuse to help me later when I needed help with something else. It seemed like a win-win.
This whole experiment also got me thinking about what I value and pass on to my kids. Why was reading a check box but not math games or puzzles or calling a friend or drawing? Marion broached this topic in her earlier post about Skipping the Vernal Pool. I know we pass on our values in all we do and often don’t even notice we’re making these choices. So I’m glad I am at least questioning it. Again I don’t have all the answers, but as I think about the upcoming year and the very real possibility that parents will continue to be managing a lot of time with our children, I can imagine including my children in a conversation about values in much the same way that teachers might include their students in a conversation about classroom culture and expectations. What feels important to them? What are they interested in and motivated to do? What are their own aspirations? What do they want to do for others? What do they wish from others? What are they avoiding, perhaps out of worry or feelings of inadequacy? What is something new they might like to try? What might make something easier to try or harder to share with others? I’m sure we all would have our own ways of asking. I don’t have all the questions either!
