A Vulnerable Moment

As the reality of how long this situation will last sinks in, some of us (myself included) are having intense emotional moments. And I mean intense. I had a dream that I went to a restaurant and was offered a giant ball of icing, for free! Seriously though, I think this was my brain trying to tell me it’s time for a reward. But with the finish line not yet visible, we may need to find new rewards and intermediate ways of supporting ourselves.

As parents, we keep hearing that we need to keep things as normal as possible for kids, supporting and checking in with them. What questions are they pondering? What worries are they feeling? What are they most missing? But this makes it so easy to forget to check in with ourselves. And we must! Without doing that it will become harder to keep checking in and supporting our children, and doing so provides models of self-care and demonstrates strategies of stress-reduction and wellness that children can absorb and emulate.

I saw this piece that really spoke to me: Parents Are Not OK. I’ve been thinking this so much. My husband’s job is secure, my job is flexible and part-time. We have a full-time live-in au pair. My husband’s training includes parenting and mine includes education. Our kids are eager learners. We are the 0.01% in this case. And it’s still hard. Very hard. How are families really supposed to do this? While you are working, you can’t also be homeschooling, nor can you actually be spending devoted non-learning time with your kids. While you’re with your kids, you can’t also be working productively. It doesn’t add up, and something has to give. As the author notes, it’s still unclear what can give, but from my perspective step 1 is recognizing that the situation is untenable and starting to make some realistic expectations (a la Stop Trying to Be Productive). Then, build in self-care and rewards!

I think each person needs to consider what self-care and reward looks like for them, but just remember a little can go a long way (not that you don’t deserve a lot!). And consider thinking about what brings meaning to you, not just pleasure (On Coronavirus Lockdown? Look for Meaning, Not Happiness). Something I need to work on is not feeling guilty about making and taking that time, even if it requires 2 episodes of Paw Patrol to get it!

A close friend reminded me of a tradition my family used to do every night (hey, we had twins and admittedly a lot has fallen by the wayside…) where each person shared their Rose, Bud, and Thorn from the day. Turns out this is a thing, so perhaps you’ve already heard of it. Basically, you reflect on something from the day that went well (Rose), something that did not go well (Thorn), and something you’re looking forward to (Bud). It’s a great way to check-in with everyone about how they are doing, but it also gives a nice chance to be grateful and optimistic, which are critical during times like the present and can go a surprisingly long way towards kickstarting self-care (and finding meaning). And, it’s easy. It takes 5 minutes and can be done over dinner, during a bath, or before bedtime.

A quick aside: While we did forego this nightly tradition a couple of years ago, we did begin a gratitude practice where we go around the dinner table sharing something we are grateful for. One night a few months ago, one of our two year olds didn’t miss a beat when it was her turn, and said, “I’m grateful for Dunkin’ Donuts!” (For those who know me, I am definitely grateful for DD, but I had not actually said it out loud.) And of course the reaction she received meant that she spent the next two weeks being grateful for DD!