The Fangs Come Out

My kids are lovely people but, as of late, they turn into monsters at the drop of a hat. One second they’re hugging and laughing, Norman Rockwell style, and all of a sudden the F-A-N-Gs come out. 

My husband and I are sometimes targets of their wrath, but more often these days they turn on each other. Here are a few of the inane things they argued about within the last 24 hours:

• Was one sticking his tongue out under his mask?
• Who’s taller? (it’s not even close)
• Who dropped the noodle on the floor and has to pick it up?
• Whose gets “the good seat” during the movie? (I rue the day I called it this because I haven’t gotten it since)

These are just a few examples to give the gist that these are spats-- super petty and thankfully short-lived...but they bring tears, and ramp up the volume in a house that’s already filled with really loud people (all of us!). I know I’m not the only one dealing with this, nor am I the first or millionth to write about parent burnout as ambient love turns to war at any particular moment. I’m in good company and overall have it really good.

Given that we’re in the middle of a global pandemic, there are so many obvious and reasonable explanations for the attitude uptick. Namely, the kids:

• are in the house...so, so, so much of the time.
• are each other’s only non-adult company that doesn’t require wifi.
• are confused and mad about what’s going on, so take it out on each other.
• are afraid, and don’t know how to talk about it.
• don’t know how long this will be “the new normal.”

So yeah, it all makes sense, but it doesn’t make it easier that we, as their parents, are dealing with these same circumstances. To deal with it (or attempt to), we’ve had to revert to the “Chill the F*** Out” strategies that had been fading out of our repertoire for quite a while-- count backward from 10; take a time out; bore them with talking it out until they forget to be upset. Here are some more carefully-described approaches to incorporating social-emotional learning into our days.

I hold out hope that our kids’ fangs will recede as soon as normalcy returns to our lives (which can’t be soon enough). But it does make me wonder what school reentry will look like for kids more broadly, and what sorts of supports might be needed. Will schools’ efforts to address the inevitable academic setbacks (the COVID-19 Slide) overshadow efforts to address kids’ inevitable social-emotional slides? Given that learning and social-emotional health are so intertwined, a smart approach (not to mention an empathetic and long-term thinking approach) will be to put both issues on equal footing...but as someone who’s been immersed in the education world for a long time, I know that this dual emphasis requires a whole lot of funding, and evidence-based programs, and trained staff, and rubrics to know that such investments are worthwhile in the short- and long-term.

Issues like this keep me up at night, for sure. During the day, my husband and I are doing all we can to keep the kids sane and stay sane ourselves. When the daily spats arise, I try to remember that “this too shall pass,” and that before long our kids will be cracking their usual jokes and rooting for each other again...and that noodle on the floor will make it to the garbage one way or another!

Dice Game 55

One of the best things that has come out of this pandemic for me is that several times each week I get to talk to my best friend as we both get out for a morning walk at the crack of dawn. She has two kids herself, who are 5 and 7, and she’s a teacher (as is her husband), so she’s immersed in this experience from both sides of the school at home experience. A lot of our conversation is reflecting on the trials and tribulations of this time, but we also celebrate each other’s successes. Below I describe one such success, a game her family co-developed and coined Dice Game 55 (which was actually a happy accident of a typo and makes for quite a snazzy name!).

To play:

• Pick a goal number. Depending on the age of your players, this might be something around 40-80.
• Each player takes turns rolling a die and recording the number rolled in their own column.
• On your next turn, add what you rolled to the number in your column. Cross out the old number and record the new one below that one.
• If your total is ever 6 (or another number of your choosing, but not too high unless you’re a glutton for punishment or really love the idea of that giant slide at the end of Chutes & Ladders), you go back to zero.
• Continue playing until one player reaches the goal number. 

You may have played similar games or variation on this one, or received games like this from your child’s teacher. These simple games can be great for quick, fun practice of mental math and basic fluency. Here’s a game Marion received for her kindergartener: Take turns to compete to be the first to roll a die to get the sum of 20. But, if after you roll your sum ends up above 20 (e.g., you had 17 and then rolled 5), then you subtract that new roll from the total.

Going to the Beach: Figuratively and Virtually

Inspired by our first virtual field trip, we decided to head to the beach for some good ole R&R. Listen to the waves, clear your mind, let the sounds of kids playing fall to the background. I never thought it would happen, but I’ve started practicing mindfulness meditation. Inspired by my husband and the fact that Dan Harris’ 10 Percent Happier app is free for 3 months, I thought, if not now, then when?

This was not my first time at the meditation rodeo. My prior attempts were met with frustration that all I could focus on was how uncomfortable I was, how silly it seemed to focus on breathing, how impossible it seemed to focus on breathing, and my general discouragement and feeling that this wasn’t for me. So what was different this time? First of all, I gave up on sitting. I recline in my bed, and I let myself spend a minute or two adjusting pillows and my body until I’m sufficiently comfortable. Second, Dan Harris confirms most of these prior thoughts and beliefs at the beginning of “The Basics” series of meditations, so they seem like they are necessary and normal, rather than problematic and impossible to overcome. Third, each session of “The Basics” walks you through well, the basics of meditation, and goes seamlessly into a short meditation that lets you practice that idea. And fourth, at the end of that short meditation, the instructor says he’s looking forward to seeing you tomorrow, and you get a check mark, and you see stats of how many sessions, minutes, and days in a row you’ve practiced. This was huge for a numbers gal like myself. And I love check marks! Plus, the instructor is so nice. I don’t want to let him down.

I’m one week in, so there is plenty of time to fail my imagined self, but something seems to be happening. Instead of meditation being something to add in or feel like I should do, I’m actually looking forward to practicing. It’s just like Dan (we’re now on a first name basis) says, when you feel the results, you’re motivated to continue. I can literally feel myself becoming calm and feeling like I have some space* (virtual or figurative or whatever one might call it right now) from the beautiful chaos that is my life and home right now.

And for those of you who are thinking about a literal beach, here are some options for a virtual trip from Kidvision or a 1st grade teacher. Or if you prefer variations on this, you might consider visiting a National Park or Zoo, or glancing at beautiful lake destinations.

Not quite feeling like you’re at the beach? You could break out that sand box, or make some kinetic sand inside, and get inspired to build some castles. If you need some tips, here’s a video!




You might take a soak in a bath, perhaps in a bathing suit for ambiance. Depending on your commitment and bath size, you could add bubbles, wear goggles and search for things at the bottom. Bonus points if you have your kids serve you some special beverages or actually get a chance to do some pleasure reading!

Or maybe you’re more into media making. My friend and her daughter made an awesome stop-motion video about dreaming of summer and pretending to swim under a blue blanket.

And don’t forget about your favorite beach games! Even if you can’t be on the sand, many of these can be played on grass. So grab something and toss it, whether it be a ball, frisbee, or those strings with balls for a ladder toss!

* Space right now is hard to come by. If you’re my neighbor and have been worried that I’m slowly dying on my driveway, just know that I’ve found that the warm driveway, with the sun on my face and headphones in my ears, is a delightful place to find quiet, still, peacefulness… at least for 5 minutes!

Failing My Imagined Self

I’m saddened to report that I’m failing my imagined self. I had a long-standing vision of all the things I’d do if I had more time at home. I’d be the same, but different, and better! Granted, I didn’t envision that “a lot of time at home” would also involve playing teacher and trying to manage a full workload, but that doesn’t make the chasm between my actual and imagined self less anti-climactic. Here are some ways in which I’ve been entirely kidding myself (not a comprehensive list).

I always thought that if I had more time at home...

I’d bake bread!
Hot pretzels, challah, bagels...I’d make them all! In the last 2 months I’ve enjoyed seeing these achievements of others pop up on my Facebook feed. No matter how many times I scroll through my photos, I don’t have any like that.

I’d paint!
I enjoy painting, and when I’m working on something, I power through it and can’t wait to start another project...and then my easel -- large, unstable, and constantly set up in the middle of my office -- remains untouched for months and months. “It’s because I’m hardly ever home!,” I told myself…

I’d reorg my closet!
I would achieve the perfect setup. Everything would be reachable, with favorites of everything standing at the ready. Season rotations would be a snap (a commercial break!). The sorting would be clear, consistent, and so easy to maintain. High piles would not exist, of course, but if they did they would NEVER fall over. And the scrunched up plastic bags, single socks, and shirt that’s been crunched up in the corner for a year? Of course those wouldn’t be there anymore.

I’d make donation bags!
Pocketbooks, backpacks, shoes, jackets-- there’s so much that can go, paving the way for the great closet reorg AND giving things to people who need them.

I’d open my mail!
Aside from The New Yorker and The Week (great digestible news magazine!), my mail just sits there...not just for a little bit of time, but for a really, really long time. But that wouldn’t happen if I could be home more!

I’d wipe the wall!
There’s a crayon mark on the wall in the bathroom. It’s been there for at least 2 years. I notice it often (translation: I stare at it daily), and it would probably take 2 minutes to get rid of. I can literally remember thinking, “If I had more time at home I’d definitely take care of that.”

Two months into “more time at home,” a machine made my bread (thank you, Fresh Direct!), the eisel is an obstacle rather than a tool, my closet thinks it’s December, I have things other people want more, and my tea mug is literally on top of a large pile of mail. My imagined self is seriously late for her (my?) debut. But as I wait in anticipation for her (me?) to emerge, I’m wondering if the crayon mark adds a nice splash of color to the bathroom. I was going to start working on all of these things next week, but maybe I’ll hold off on just that one.

Virtual Field Trips

Around here it’s spring break. What? You didn’t notice?

We were supposed to be in Barcelona with our two older boys while our twins spent some quality time in NY with their grandparents. I know many of you had plans that are now cancelled (or hopefully rescheduled). So perhaps you’d like to come along with us on our virtual trip to Barcelona, or maybe you want to use some of these ideas from a giant list of virtual field trips or create your own virtual trip for your preferred destination. Obviously, none of this beats being there in person, but my hope is that it will just make it that much more exciting when we actually experience it live! (On the flip side, travel was a bit easier this way!)

Some of the things the boys were most looking forward to were a soccer (ahem, futbol) match, and a day at the Barcelona Open tennis tournament. I was excited to eat paella, tapas, and churros with chocolate, walk all over, and go to the Picasso Museum. My husband could walk all day and spend endless hours in museums. We all couldn’t wait to speak some Spanish! Turns out, we can do versions of those things right from home!

To start, we viewed Rick Steves’ video on Barcelona, where we enjoyed walking along Las Ramblas and salivating over tapas with him. His introduction to Picasso and Dali were also great. We’re trying to speak in Spanish all week, and using PBS’s Salsa station, Duolingo, and Muzzy for learning and brushing up on our Spanish.

We asked our family who had recently visited Barcelona to be our tour guides. They selected their top 10 photos (okay, maybe 25, but narrowing down photos isn’t easy), put them as their Zoom backgrounds, and shared stories about them to give us a sense of what it was like being there. My brother even included pictures from the balcony of the AirBNB we were going to stay at (on his recommendation), and a picture of Europe at night from the sky as he was flying back home!




Next, we were off to the Picasso Museum for a virtual tour and some photos of highlighted works. To actually be meaningful to kids (heck, to me!) I find it helpful to have some introduction to the artist and their context in history so that I have a lens through which to view the artwork and find it interesting. I found this kid-friendly summary on Pablo Picasso that also has ideas for doing some inspired artwork on your own. Several other museums have virtual options in Barcelona, but my favorite was this special exhibit on the history of clothing and fashion by the Design Museum of Barcelona. It’s actually a Google culture presentation so it’s more interesting than scrolling through pictures of artwork that many other online collections offer. (But if you’re into that, you might check out: highlighted works at the National Art Museum of Catalonia in Barcelona; the archives of the Barcelona Museum of Contemporary Art and bonus selections being shared during the pandemic; pieces from the Museum of the History of Catalonia; and much of the collection from the Design Museum of Barcelona.)

Since there is currently no live tennis to watch, we’ll spend an afternoon watching tennis clips through the ATP Tennis YouTube Channel later in the week. Eating concession-type food will also be a must!

I found this replay of a Barca versus Real Madrid match (apparently not the same line up we were going to see, which had Atletico Madrid--lesson number 1 for me!) from a few years ago. The boys wore their soccer jerseys, and we practiced some fanatic songs and chants. I thought it might be an opportunity for an arts and crafts project to make a sign or one of those giant fingers, but apparently I know nothing about being a soccer fan. Fortunately, you can find a how-to guide on being a soccer fan as well as an analysis of fan type on the internet. We made our own version of tapas to snack on too!

Finally, “we” (by which I mean my husband) made an afternoon of cooking paella. And for dessert, we found SmashMallow Cinnamon Churro, which is perfect for putting in rich hot chocolate, but perhaps your Trader Joe’s has mini-churros that you could also use. And if you’re a baker, here is a recipe!

So where are you off to? I’d love to come along!

Connecting through Media

Contributing Author: Savitha Moorthy, Executive Director of Tandem Partners in Early Learning, and also a fellow parent trying her best to keep it together like the rest of us!

When my son Avi was about 18 months old, one of his favorite tricks was to reach into my pocket while roaring like a tiger. This was his way of asking me to play Daniel Tiger videos on my phone. Like many modern parents, my husband and I have worried from time to time about how we can navigate the tricky territory of media use with a young child--and in our current reality, these concerns have reared their heads again.

Doing away with screens is simply unrealistic even in normal times but it is especially the case at the moment. Also, it just feels like a double standard in a home where the two adults use their laptops and mobile phones for a substantial amount of the day. I don’t claim to have found any answers, but over the last few weeks, my family is evolving towards something that’s working for us: an imperfect mix of media use, conversation, storytelling, and, admittedly, a little electronic babysitting that helps us all hang on to our sanity.

1. We focus on the good stuff.

There’s a reason why Daniel Tiger was one of Avi’s first show. Relatable experiences, characters that model positive traits, and the potential to stimulate comments and questions are the hallmarks of the media we love. When we watch Daniel Visits the Doctor, we compare Daniel’s experience with Avi’s own pediatric appointments. It’s because of Dinosaur Train, Avi has learned to say, “I have a hypothesis,” and now he even knows what that means. From Puffin Rock and Tumble Leaf, he has learned how to channel his curiosity and explore things in the world around him.

2. Screen time sparks conversation.

My husband and I often join Avi when he’s watching a show or playing with an app. We ask him questions about things we’re watching and doing, point out things that are interesting to us, and relate the things in the show or the app to our real life. While this type of interaction is ideal, engaging in it is a luxury. If we’re busy when Avi is watching a video or playing with an app, as is often the case, we try to talk with him about the show afterward, at dinner or bath time, or sometimes even when we are out for a walk. He tells us what he thinks, and while it’s not always coherent, it sure is fun to listen.

3. We connect media with off-screen play and storytelling.

Sometimes the media content leaks off the screen into our life, into our play and storytelling. I have the Peep Family Science app on my phone, and watching the videos and animated stories about ramps has led to hours of fun as we experimented with how objects moved down ramps, developed a language for talking about it (some things roll while other things slide), and, with the help of some corrugated cardboard and a staircase, fashioned some ramps of our own.

4. Screens help us stay in touch with the people we love.

Our childcare provider offers a half hour of virtual programming every day of the week. There’s a song, a book, a craft activity and before you know it, we’re all saying goodbye. A video call with a bunch of four-year-olds is exactly as dysfunctional as you imagine it’s going to be. Children wander on- and off-screen, parents struggle to keep up with the transitions, and the conversation is rich in non-sequiturs. But it is the best thirty minutes of our day: the virtual school gives our family one little anchor around which we structure our daily routine and the opportunity for Avi to connect with his teachers and his friends is priceless.

Our system is far from perfect.

Like all families, we have breakdowns from time to time, and we struggle with them. It is often companionable to sit on the couch together, doing parallel play with our respective media—but Avi is usually not ready to stop when we are ready for him to, and this story always ends in tears.

Although we are pretty relaxed about screen time at home, especially now, we do have some clear boundaries. The television comes on only when we’re intentionally watching something. There are no screens while we’re eating or before bed time. We prioritize spending time outdoors over staying home. We’re lucky to live in a place where going outside is an option almost all year round, but even when it isn’t, we try to find something to do where we can move our bodies. I’ve learned the hard way that burning energy is key to a successful afternoon nap, and it keeps us (adults and children) away from the temptation of screens.

School at Home

Recently I was lucky enough to be interviewed by our local news station about how to support learning at home during this pandemic. For those who missed me, here is the segment!

I was really proud of how it came out, but I had about 10 minutes worth of stuff I wanted to share and only about 10 seconds to convey it in. Lucky for you, here are my more detailed thoughts:

It’s not Homeschooling

I was really glad this point came through. There are still teachers reaching out with specific resources and assignments, and doing their best to support learning from a distance. Parents across the country and world did not have a sudden philosophical shift--the vast majority of us plan to send our kids back to school literally the second they reopen! And true homeschooling uses the community’s resources to support learning in a way that is also impossible now. But we can take some of the principles of homeschooling and apply them to the current situation by remembering not to try to teach and support our children in isolation, and to connect with people, experiences, and resources virtually.

Silver Lining

We have the opportunity to individualize and highlight the learning in our own interests and hobbies and that of our children, generating excitement, creativity, and energy for learning. Differentiated learning is incredibly difficult in a full classroom, and now learning can truly be at the level of your child. And skills and dispositions towards learning that are also incredibly difficult to foster at school are perfect for learning at home through projects, pursuing curiosity, and playing with siblings or family members that know more or less about a topic or have more or less experience with a skill. All of these are incredible gifts we can give our children to be lifelong learners, and that will help them when they return to school.

Screen Time: Quality over Quantity

Even before the pandemic, experts and researchers were differentiating between the content of media, contexts in which it was being viewed, played, or used, and the quantity of time spent with devices and screens. Using digital resources to learn, to collaborate, to connect, to move, and to spark interest and creativity is very different than using digital resources to relax and find general entertainment. Still, media is also designed for vegging out, and can and should be used for that, especially in times like we’re currently experiencing. However, as much as possible, watch or play together, talk about what you’re watching or playing, and make connections from the digital world to the real world.

(As a side note, Vermont PBS now has daily curriculum and programming by age group! And this spreadsheet of livestreams has a great calendar/schedule organized by topics and ages!)

Sifting through the Deluge of Resources

We are all being inundated with suggested resources to use with our kids. It’s truly overwhelming, even for those of us trained in evaluating these resources. Sometimes being overwhelmed by choice can actually paralyze us. Perhaps paradoxically, fewer choices is always better than too many choices. I remember feeling this way about pregnancy and parenting books, and my husband and I decided we would pick one or two books that we connected with and then ignore all the other options. (For the record, we are What to Expect and 1, 2, 3 Magic people.) It really allowed us to actually read and understand what those books had to say rather than gleaning a bit from a wide range of things, never truly getting an in-depth understanding of development or specific parenting strategies. It’s the same with all these resources we’re being sent right now. When you find one or two that speak to you and your family, stick with those. You’ll get more into them and get more out of them. Learn with them. Expand on the stories or ideas within them. Continue with those characters off the screen. Talk about the ideas on a walk. Less is truly more in this instance.

Connection

Digitally or not, we should focus on interaction and collaboration. I’ve said it repeatedly and will say it again: learning is inherently social! Kids are really missing their teachers and their friends, their routines and their activities--their normal! Even though connecting with those things is different now, it is still possible through video chats, telephone calls, letter writing, livestreams or recorded videos. Keeping the local connection (i.e., videos from actual teachers, instructors, coaches, and librarians that they know and recognize) helps with this different way of connecting feeling as normal as possible. And our relatives are now also at home and have time to talk and interact from their side of the screen, so utilize them!

Routine and Structure

Kids thrive on routines and predictability, and for some, school was the only place they were receiving this. I won’t say more here, but you can refer back to our prior posts on our routines!

The Importance of Choice and Agency

Keeping a schedule does not take away choice and flexibility, which are key ingredients of successful learning environments. Kids can select the order and pace of what they do, select what they will do to check off a category in their schedule, or make suggestions for what could go in a schedule. For example, movement/outdoor time allows them to decide if they will go for a walk, play catch, do a yoga video, have a dance party, or something else. They can decide they need a half hour of movement time before and after they do a learning activity, and structure their schedule accordingly. They could even coordinate with a sibling and plan an independent activity while the other is participating in a class meeting. Speaking of which, make sure to include some free choice and independent time in the schedule to give them practice at following their interests and managing (a limited number of) choices, and giving them a chance to have a break from the people surrounding them non-stop. This practice will help avoid the question, “What can I do?” and keep kids motivated and engaged. And flexibility is so important because spontaneity is exciting, and because sometimes you need to seize the moment and go for a hike or watch a family movie.

Attention Spans

Preschoolers can focus for about 10 minutes, early elementary students for about 15-20, and upper elementary students for about 25-30. Not only do we need to keep this in mind when we consider how we chunk our time for learning, but we should also consider it as we think about the total learning time for the day. By separating out the learning time from all the other valuable purposes of school (if you’re really interested, here’s a longer version of this point), kids don’t need a full school day to get through their learning. That’s what leaves time for unexpected learning, playing, relaxing, cooking, virtual playdates, and household chores (ha!)! And that also means that supporting your child’s learning for 1-2 hours each day is plenty. The other times can be learning through activities, games, movement, or other things on their own or with a sibling or with a virtual partner.

Treat Yourself with Kindness

In case you haven’t noticed, this gig is really, really hard! Remember to be kind to yourself, notice your feelings and those of your children, accept that they are normal, and treat yourself with breaks and rewards! Our basic tendencies, for better or for worse, are being unveiled right now. Our typical ways of coping and of being have been ripped out from under us (not to mention our families being at work with us!), plus the necessity for these strategies has increased tremendously. I cannot emphasize enough how challenging that is, but perhaps I don’t need to since we are all in it! And we are in it together!