Unplugging

Last week was our district’s “spring break.” At first I wished we could continue in our school-from-home routine, but soon I realized how nice it was to actually have this break from managing devices, troubleshooting technology, figuring out who is using which device when, with which headphones, in what location, etc. Unplugging used to mean getting away from screens, but now it has an even bigger meaning. It also means unplugging from the many new roles I’ve been thrown into since school (buildings) closed.

And the result was that, for the first time since quarantine started, I actually felt that pause button of which I’ve heard and of which I’ve dreamed. I actually forgot which day of the week it was. I didn’t worry about time. We went out for a walk and we came home and we ate. We spent time together in the way I thought we might all along. We played games, bickered, went for walks and bike rides, bickered, read, cooked, bickered some more, cleaned the house--oh wait, no, cleaning didn’t actually happen. I finally was able to actually slow down. (Who knew it would be so hard to slow down, even when thrust inside your own home?)

And then I noticed it again this past weekend. When there aren’t all these plans and options for things to be doing, there is no maximizing--no making the “best” plan, trying to figure out the “ideal” timing to fit things in, no trying to compromise and give everyone a choice and make and keep everyone happy. Instead, we went outside. We scooted around the block. We drew with chalk on the driveway. We chatted with our neighbors across the street. We noticed the space beside our house that might just be a great place for a fort or castle (depending on your preference). We were creative and playful and interacted because our minds were open and our bodies were present. (As you’ll note from this mind-body talk, I still haven’t failed my imagined self on the meditation front--woohoo!)

Never would I ever have thought to gather sticks and make a fortress (there we go--I combined fort and castle) before, but we did. And I can’t put my finger on why this happened. There are still plenty of things I could do.

Maybe it’s the fact of the quarantine continuing for so long that has gotten me here. We’ve all read about how unsustainable the situation is. This article found that the workday has increased by an average of 3 hours per day! The lamenting about the inability to unplug from work had me thinking about how, in addition to the demands of working at home and supporting learning at home (each of which are full-time on their own), we are also now parenting 24/7. We used to have other people in our children’s lives that would play with them, learn with them, co-regulate their emotions with them, or take them when we needed a break. And while adults might be able to get these things more naturally in a virtual world, we still suffer these same losses to our freedom to do these things in our own way and on our own time. Maybe there is only so long we can stay in these negative states of panic, fear, loss, anger, and so on, and then we must somehow find a way to unplug, and that for me unplugging meant stepping away from the constant multi-tasking and managing of people, logistics, and technology. And that when I unplugged in this way, I made space for being in the moment. Maybe.

Or maybe it was just luck and it too will pass. Whatever it is though, we are all doing a lot of “never would I ever”ing. And in that spirit, I leave you with this funny podcast about the joys and struggles of motherhood, and this admittedly long episode about the things we never thought we’d find ourselves doing or allowing. And if you have a chance to unplug from everything else, it is full of relatable moments that might make you laugh, reflect, and feel seen and validated, and maybe that’s just what you need right now.

Continuing… Is a Pandemic Really the Time?

You may recall this part of my post about Finding the Humor in Failure:

“Treading the line between parent and teacher can often be a challenge…Snap out of it! This is not the opportunity of this pandemic. Quality time and fun and organic learning is the opportunity.”

As promised, I have more to say about this! For starters, it’s not so easy to “Snap out of it!” is it? We have all sorts of reasons for why we might be pushing our kids. Perhaps we’re worried that our kids will fall behind, or we’re worried about letting bad habits form or we’re catastrophizing that these bad habits could (gasp!) solidify. Maybe it feels like supporting academic learning is the only thing in our control right now, or maybe we just have a lot of practice at expecting more of ourselves so it’s easy to do this to others, particularly in times of stress. Or maybe it feels like we’re the ones failing when our kids do work under our supposed supervision that doesn’t match what we feel are their capabilities.

Whatever the reason for pushing, the fact remains that running head first into a defensive line doesn’t typically make much forward progress. (That’s as close to a football analogy as I will ever get, so enjoy it!) Are these actually bad habits? Are our kids being lazy, or are they actually communicating preferences or just expressing what they need right now? And to be honest, how much of our children’s choices are under our control? Yes, we can guide and suggest, but we aren’t the ones doing or deciding for them. We can support and encourage, and be there when they regret a choice. But actually letting them make choices and live out the consequences, for better or for worse, out there in the real world is the only way they can learn about the kinds of choices they want to make. And loving them and being by their side, no matter what, may actually be our strongest lever of change.

Speaking of which, I had a real aha moment with that lever the other day. It was the first day back from “spring break.” My oldest was anxious about getting back into our school from home routine. He was anxious about what work might be awaiting him and how he'd get through it. So we sat down and looked at his weekly menu from his teacher, organized by assignments to turn in, suggestions for additional work, and bonus ideas to extend learning. We made a checklist for the day that included getting started on two assignments, checking his school email, and a suggested activity of using Flipgrid to share two truths and a lie with his class (and then watch his friends’ posts and respond with his guess of their lie). We also included our everyday activities: opportunities for movement, music, independent reading, video chatting with a friend, household help, collaborative learning time, free choice, and independent time.

Despite putting suggested times next to each line of the schedule, he went down the rabbit hole of Flipgrid. (This is his first social-media type experience, so it’s not surprising that he was roped into the commentary, but it is a good reminder that this kind of resource, regardless of the potential for creativity and connection, requires some scaffolding for learners to manage their time. More to come on things like this and Messenger Kids in a future post...) At the end of the day, one of the assignments was not started, and he felt stressed about it. Normally this would mean that I also felt stressed about it. Lucky for all of us, today was not “normally.” Remembering my lever, I reminded him that I’m here to support him in organizing his time and finding strategies to stick to the schedule, but that it’s up to him to decide what’s important to him and to prioritize his assignments. Miraculously, the next day he asked me to set a timer for 15 minutes when he used Flipgrid, and he worked his way down his checklist with more success. (Phew! Glad that didn’t backfire!)

Now I don’t mean to suggest that school assignments aren’t important or that you should say something that you aren’t comfortable following through with yourself. What I do mean to suggest is that you (and I) are not the student, nor are you (or I) the teacher. Your child is the student and it’s up to his or her teacher to motivate and give feedback when an assignment is not completed or is not completed in the way that meets expectations. For the same reasons some of us cannot teach our own children to swim or ski but do love to swim or ski with them, some of us cannot be their teachers and expect to be able to actually enjoy learning time together. Separating those roles and responsibilities may actually be the path towards fun and engaging time together that has learning within it.

I also don’t mean to minimize the individuality of your child and situation. For me, I knew that my oldest was motivated to complete his assignments and capable of doing so, and that his anxiety could be its own gentle lever to work on time management. For others, motivation is the struggle or working through social and emotional needs takes priority over academic ones. I have a lot more to say about both of those things, so stay tuned for that post next week!

And lest you think this revelation changed my world… today I found that same child curled up at the bottom of a closet during a Zoom meeting with his word study group. Who moved my lever?

The Fangs Come Out

My kids are lovely people but, as of late, they turn into monsters at the drop of a hat. One second they’re hugging and laughing, Norman Rockwell style, and all of a sudden the F-A-N-Gs come out. 

My husband and I are sometimes targets of their wrath, but more often these days they turn on each other. Here are a few of the inane things they argued about within the last 24 hours:

• Was one sticking his tongue out under his mask?
• Who’s taller? (it’s not even close)
• Who dropped the noodle on the floor and has to pick it up?
• Whose gets “the good seat” during the movie? (I rue the day I called it this because I haven’t gotten it since)

These are just a few examples to give the gist that these are spats-- super petty and thankfully short-lived...but they bring tears, and ramp up the volume in a house that’s already filled with really loud people (all of us!). I know I’m not the only one dealing with this, nor am I the first or millionth to write about parent burnout as ambient love turns to war at any particular moment. I’m in good company and overall have it really good.

Given that we’re in the middle of a global pandemic, there are so many obvious and reasonable explanations for the attitude uptick. Namely, the kids:

• are in the house...so, so, so much of the time.
• are each other’s only non-adult company that doesn’t require wifi.
• are confused and mad about what’s going on, so take it out on each other.
• are afraid, and don’t know how to talk about it.
• don’t know how long this will be “the new normal.”

So yeah, it all makes sense, but it doesn’t make it easier that we, as their parents, are dealing with these same circumstances. To deal with it (or attempt to), we’ve had to revert to the “Chill the F*** Out” strategies that had been fading out of our repertoire for quite a while-- count backward from 10; take a time out; bore them with talking it out until they forget to be upset. Here are some more carefully-described approaches to incorporating social-emotional learning into our days.

I hold out hope that our kids’ fangs will recede as soon as normalcy returns to our lives (which can’t be soon enough). But it does make me wonder what school reentry will look like for kids more broadly, and what sorts of supports might be needed. Will schools’ efforts to address the inevitable academic setbacks (the COVID-19 Slide) overshadow efforts to address kids’ inevitable social-emotional slides? Given that learning and social-emotional health are so intertwined, a smart approach (not to mention an empathetic and long-term thinking approach) will be to put both issues on equal footing...but as someone who’s been immersed in the education world for a long time, I know that this dual emphasis requires a whole lot of funding, and evidence-based programs, and trained staff, and rubrics to know that such investments are worthwhile in the short- and long-term.

Issues like this keep me up at night, for sure. During the day, my husband and I are doing all we can to keep the kids sane and stay sane ourselves. When the daily spats arise, I try to remember that “this too shall pass,” and that before long our kids will be cracking their usual jokes and rooting for each other again...and that noodle on the floor will make it to the garbage one way or another!

Dice Game 55

One of the best things that has come out of this pandemic for me is that several times each week I get to talk to my best friend as we both get out for a morning walk at the crack of dawn. She has two kids herself, who are 5 and 7, and she’s a teacher (as is her husband), so she’s immersed in this experience from both sides of the school at home experience. A lot of our conversation is reflecting on the trials and tribulations of this time, but we also celebrate each other’s successes. Below I describe one such success, a game her family co-developed and coined Dice Game 55 (which was actually a happy accident of a typo and makes for quite a snazzy name!).

To play:

• Pick a goal number. Depending on the age of your players, this might be something around 40-80.
• Each player takes turns rolling a die and recording the number rolled in their own column.
• On your next turn, add what you rolled to the number in your column. Cross out the old number and record the new one below that one.
• If your total is ever 6 (or another number of your choosing, but not too high unless you’re a glutton for punishment or really love the idea of that giant slide at the end of Chutes & Ladders), you go back to zero.
• Continue playing until one player reaches the goal number. 

You may have played similar games or variation on this one, or received games like this from your child’s teacher. These simple games can be great for quick, fun practice of mental math and basic fluency. Here’s a game Marion received for her kindergartener: Take turns to compete to be the first to roll a die to get the sum of 20. But, if after you roll your sum ends up above 20 (e.g., you had 17 and then rolled 5), then you subtract that new roll from the total.

Going to the Beach: Figuratively and Virtually

Inspired by our first virtual field trip, we decided to head to the beach for some good ole R&R. Listen to the waves, clear your mind, let the sounds of kids playing fall to the background. I never thought it would happen, but I’ve started practicing mindfulness meditation. Inspired by my husband and the fact that Dan Harris’ 10 Percent Happier app is free for 3 months, I thought, if not now, then when?

This was not my first time at the meditation rodeo. My prior attempts were met with frustration that all I could focus on was how uncomfortable I was, how silly it seemed to focus on breathing, how impossible it seemed to focus on breathing, and my general discouragement and feeling that this wasn’t for me. So what was different this time? First of all, I gave up on sitting. I recline in my bed, and I let myself spend a minute or two adjusting pillows and my body until I’m sufficiently comfortable. Second, Dan Harris confirms most of these prior thoughts and beliefs at the beginning of “The Basics” series of meditations, so they seem like they are necessary and normal, rather than problematic and impossible to overcome. Third, each session of “The Basics” walks you through well, the basics of meditation, and goes seamlessly into a short meditation that lets you practice that idea. And fourth, at the end of that short meditation, the instructor says he’s looking forward to seeing you tomorrow, and you get a check mark, and you see stats of how many sessions, minutes, and days in a row you’ve practiced. This was huge for a numbers gal like myself. And I love check marks! Plus, the instructor is so nice. I don’t want to let him down.

I’m one week in, so there is plenty of time to fail my imagined self, but something seems to be happening. Instead of meditation being something to add in or feel like I should do, I’m actually looking forward to practicing. It’s just like Dan (we’re now on a first name basis) says, when you feel the results, you’re motivated to continue. I can literally feel myself becoming calm and feeling like I have some space* (virtual or figurative or whatever one might call it right now) from the beautiful chaos that is my life and home right now.

And for those of you who are thinking about a literal beach, here are some options for a virtual trip from Kidvision or a 1st grade teacher. Or if you prefer variations on this, you might consider visiting a National Park or Zoo, or glancing at beautiful lake destinations.

Not quite feeling like you’re at the beach? You could break out that sand box, or make some kinetic sand inside, and get inspired to build some castles. If you need some tips, here’s a video!




You might take a soak in a bath, perhaps in a bathing suit for ambiance. Depending on your commitment and bath size, you could add bubbles, wear goggles and search for things at the bottom. Bonus points if you have your kids serve you some special beverages or actually get a chance to do some pleasure reading!

Or maybe you’re more into media making. My friend and her daughter made an awesome stop-motion video about dreaming of summer and pretending to swim under a blue blanket.

And don’t forget about your favorite beach games! Even if you can’t be on the sand, many of these can be played on grass. So grab something and toss it, whether it be a ball, frisbee, or those strings with balls for a ladder toss!

* Space right now is hard to come by. If you’re my neighbor and have been worried that I’m slowly dying on my driveway, just know that I’ve found that the warm driveway, with the sun on my face and headphones in my ears, is a delightful place to find quiet, still, peacefulness… at least for 5 minutes!

Failing My Imagined Self

I’m saddened to report that I’m failing my imagined self. I had a long-standing vision of all the things I’d do if I had more time at home. I’d be the same, but different, and better! Granted, I didn’t envision that “a lot of time at home” would also involve playing teacher and trying to manage a full workload, but that doesn’t make the chasm between my actual and imagined self less anti-climactic. Here are some ways in which I’ve been entirely kidding myself (not a comprehensive list).

I always thought that if I had more time at home...

I’d bake bread!
Hot pretzels, challah, bagels...I’d make them all! In the last 2 months I’ve enjoyed seeing these achievements of others pop up on my Facebook feed. No matter how many times I scroll through my photos, I don’t have any like that.

I’d paint!
I enjoy painting, and when I’m working on something, I power through it and can’t wait to start another project...and then my easel -- large, unstable, and constantly set up in the middle of my office -- remains untouched for months and months. “It’s because I’m hardly ever home!,” I told myself…

I’d reorg my closet!
I would achieve the perfect setup. Everything would be reachable, with favorites of everything standing at the ready. Season rotations would be a snap (a commercial break!). The sorting would be clear, consistent, and so easy to maintain. High piles would not exist, of course, but if they did they would NEVER fall over. And the scrunched up plastic bags, single socks, and shirt that’s been crunched up in the corner for a year? Of course those wouldn’t be there anymore.

I’d make donation bags!
Pocketbooks, backpacks, shoes, jackets-- there’s so much that can go, paving the way for the great closet reorg AND giving things to people who need them.

I’d open my mail!
Aside from The New Yorker and The Week (great digestible news magazine!), my mail just sits there...not just for a little bit of time, but for a really, really long time. But that wouldn’t happen if I could be home more!

I’d wipe the wall!
There’s a crayon mark on the wall in the bathroom. It’s been there for at least 2 years. I notice it often (translation: I stare at it daily), and it would probably take 2 minutes to get rid of. I can literally remember thinking, “If I had more time at home I’d definitely take care of that.”

Two months into “more time at home,” a machine made my bread (thank you, Fresh Direct!), the eisel is an obstacle rather than a tool, my closet thinks it’s December, I have things other people want more, and my tea mug is literally on top of a large pile of mail. My imagined self is seriously late for her (my?) debut. But as I wait in anticipation for her (me?) to emerge, I’m wondering if the crayon mark adds a nice splash of color to the bathroom. I was going to start working on all of these things next week, but maybe I’ll hold off on just that one.

Virtual Field Trips

Around here it’s spring break. What? You didn’t notice?

We were supposed to be in Barcelona with our two older boys while our twins spent some quality time in NY with their grandparents. I know many of you had plans that are now cancelled (or hopefully rescheduled). So perhaps you’d like to come along with us on our virtual trip to Barcelona, or maybe you want to use some of these ideas from a giant list of virtual field trips or create your own virtual trip for your preferred destination. Obviously, none of this beats being there in person, but my hope is that it will just make it that much more exciting when we actually experience it live! (On the flip side, travel was a bit easier this way!)

Some of the things the boys were most looking forward to were a soccer (ahem, futbol) match, and a day at the Barcelona Open tennis tournament. I was excited to eat paella, tapas, and churros with chocolate, walk all over, and go to the Picasso Museum. My husband could walk all day and spend endless hours in museums. We all couldn’t wait to speak some Spanish! Turns out, we can do versions of those things right from home!

To start, we viewed Rick Steves’ video on Barcelona, where we enjoyed walking along Las Ramblas and salivating over tapas with him. His introduction to Picasso and Dali were also great. We’re trying to speak in Spanish all week, and using PBS’s Salsa station, Duolingo, and Muzzy for learning and brushing up on our Spanish.

We asked our family who had recently visited Barcelona to be our tour guides. They selected their top 10 photos (okay, maybe 25, but narrowing down photos isn’t easy), put them as their Zoom backgrounds, and shared stories about them to give us a sense of what it was like being there. My brother even included pictures from the balcony of the AirBNB we were going to stay at (on his recommendation), and a picture of Europe at night from the sky as he was flying back home!




Next, we were off to the Picasso Museum for a virtual tour and some photos of highlighted works. To actually be meaningful to kids (heck, to me!) I find it helpful to have some introduction to the artist and their context in history so that I have a lens through which to view the artwork and find it interesting. I found this kid-friendly summary on Pablo Picasso that also has ideas for doing some inspired artwork on your own. Several other museums have virtual options in Barcelona, but my favorite was this special exhibit on the history of clothing and fashion by the Design Museum of Barcelona. It’s actually a Google culture presentation so it’s more interesting than scrolling through pictures of artwork that many other online collections offer. (But if you’re into that, you might check out: highlighted works at the National Art Museum of Catalonia in Barcelona; the archives of the Barcelona Museum of Contemporary Art and bonus selections being shared during the pandemic; pieces from the Museum of the History of Catalonia; and much of the collection from the Design Museum of Barcelona.)

Since there is currently no live tennis to watch, we’ll spend an afternoon watching tennis clips through the ATP Tennis YouTube Channel later in the week. Eating concession-type food will also be a must!

I found this replay of a Barca versus Real Madrid match (apparently not the same line up we were going to see, which had Atletico Madrid--lesson number 1 for me!) from a few years ago. The boys wore their soccer jerseys, and we practiced some fanatic songs and chants. I thought it might be an opportunity for an arts and crafts project to make a sign or one of those giant fingers, but apparently I know nothing about being a soccer fan. Fortunately, you can find a how-to guide on being a soccer fan as well as an analysis of fan type on the internet. We made our own version of tapas to snack on too!

Finally, “we” (by which I mean my husband) made an afternoon of cooking paella. And for dessert, we found SmashMallow Cinnamon Churro, which is perfect for putting in rich hot chocolate, but perhaps your Trader Joe’s has mini-churros that you could also use. And if you’re a baker, here is a recipe!

So where are you off to? I’d love to come along!