Caps for Sale

Most of us know the classic book Caps For Sale by Esphyr Slobodkina, but in case you need a refresher… A peddler carries all his hats on his head, neatly stacked and organized by color, trying to sell them. As the day rolls on, he finds his way to the shade of a tree to rest, being careful not to disturb his hats. As he naps, some monkeys snatch up his hats and then sit with them in the tree above him. When he awakes, he tries to cajole the monkeys into giving him his hats back with some finger shaking and hand wringing and foot stomping, but the monkeys just “tsz” him, and his anger grows until he throws his only hat on the ground. To his surprise, the monkeys copy him and begin to throw their hats to the ground! The book ends with the peddler reorganizing his caps by color, placing them on his head, and returning to his regular business of selling caps.

At first I was surprised to find myself thinking about this book on a recent walk I was taking. But then I realized how apt a metaphor that book is for our current situation. We are all wearing many hats right now, and there are oh so many monkeys out there messing with them. And the more we meet those monkeys with anger and frustration, the more we will have it mirrored right back at us. But connecting with those monkeys will let us sort through our hats, reorganize them, and keep on walking. Here’s what I mean:

Wearing Many Hats

Right now we are wearing all those hats--parent, partner, teacher, house cleaner, master organizer, manager of technology, professional, referee, and plain own self! We definitely wish we could sell some of those hats. Heck, “50 cents a hat” is sounding pretty darn good right about now! Not only are we wearing all of those hats, but the roles that they represent have morphed and changed at an alarmingly rapid rate. What it means to be a parent right now is quite different than when we had options for breaks from our children, when we weren’t responsible for supporting their learning at home, when they could play sports or be physically with their friends, when we weren’t worried about ourselves or others getting sick, etc. And being a parent of children who are at different stages of learning, development, and emotion means that it’s really not a single hat. Keeping those new, multiplied, stretched out hats balanced on our heads has become precarious. How can we organize them and make them neat again?

As always, I don’t really know how we organize those hats to balance them nicely on our heads. But as someone who has always preferred neat and tidy to messy, here is what I’m learning right now. Shifting between hats is really challenging! Recognizing which hat I’m currently wearing and which hat is being asked for is definitely helpful in meeting the need coming at me. And recognizing that it can take time to switch hats is also important. Give yourself a minute, or a breath, and then orient yourself to what new thing is in front of you. Also, if you can avoid shifting repeatedly and rapidly, that seems ideal. For me this means that I have 2 hours in the morning where I’m mom to 4 kids and we eat and play and try to get outside. Then I have an hour and a half with my older 2 kids where I am mom and teacher supporting their learning. Then I have 4 hours where I put on that professional hat. Then back to mom… So I have transitions between my roles, but I have chunks of time where I’m wearing just one or a couple of those hats. (I know many of you don’t have the same options for structuring your time, but hopefully there are still chances to chunk your times in ways that help minimize role transitions.)

Monkey Business

Okay, reality check: There are multiple interruptions to the time engrossed in a particular role. At any moment, I can become a referee, technology manager, or house cleaner (how did yogurt end up there?!). We are going to stumble when our caps are removed, switched, and out of order, and the messiness that was hidden in that neat stack is bound to be revealed. I guess we just embrace the honesty of that, and try to feel okay about it.

Then there’s the fact that there is an abundance of uncertainty about how long we will be in our current situation, what further changes in routines or schedule we will need to navigate, and the resulting emotions that are a part of all of that. Since there are 7 of us living in our house, there are a lot of cycles through emotions, and the cycles have higher peaks, lower valleys, and are more condensed. But when I think of all that is being thrown at me as “monkey business,” it can feel just a little bit lighter and I can feel a little bit better. Maybe it will for you too.

Throw Down Your Hat

It seems that at some point each day there is a moment of acceptance (or perhaps it looks like resignation, but I think it might have a kernel of acceptance buried under it). “Okay, we’re really doing this for another day.” And miraculously, when that moment arrives is when we each typically rise to the occasion. When we were fighting against those monkeys, they were fighting right back. But when we realized that those monkeys just want to play with us, we can look up and gain a new perspective. We can begin to pick up and organize those hats and keep on walking. And lo and behold, when we pick up our hats and keep on walking along, our children tend to follow.

The closest picture I could find to multiple hats!

A Vulnerable Moment

As the reality of how long this situation will last sinks in, some of us (myself included) are having intense emotional moments. And I mean intense. I had a dream that I went to a restaurant and was offered a giant ball of icing, for free! Seriously though, I think this was my brain trying to tell me it’s time for a reward. But with the finish line not yet visible, we may need to find new rewards and intermediate ways of supporting ourselves.

As parents, we keep hearing that we need to keep things as normal as possible for kids, supporting and checking in with them. What questions are they pondering? What worries are they feeling? What are they most missing? But this makes it so easy to forget to check in with ourselves. And we must! Without doing that it will become harder to keep checking in and supporting our children, and doing so provides models of self-care and demonstrates strategies of stress-reduction and wellness that children can absorb and emulate.

I saw this piece that really spoke to me: Parents Are Not OK. I’ve been thinking this so much. My husband’s job is secure, my job is flexible and part-time. We have a full-time live-in au pair. My husband’s training includes parenting and mine includes education. Our kids are eager learners. We are the 0.01% in this case. And it’s still hard. Very hard. How are families really supposed to do this? While you are working, you can’t also be homeschooling, nor can you actually be spending devoted non-learning time with your kids. While you’re with your kids, you can’t also be working productively. It doesn’t add up, and something has to give. As the author notes, it’s still unclear what can give, but from my perspective step 1 is recognizing that the situation is untenable and starting to make some realistic expectations (a la Stop Trying to Be Productive). Then, build in self-care and rewards!

I think each person needs to consider what self-care and reward looks like for them, but just remember a little can go a long way (not that you don’t deserve a lot!). And consider thinking about what brings meaning to you, not just pleasure (On Coronavirus Lockdown? Look for Meaning, Not Happiness). Something I need to work on is not feeling guilty about making and taking that time, even if it requires 2 episodes of Paw Patrol to get it!

A close friend reminded me of a tradition my family used to do every night (hey, we had twins and admittedly a lot has fallen by the wayside…) where each person shared their Rose, Bud, and Thorn from the day. Turns out this is a thing, so perhaps you’ve already heard of it. Basically, you reflect on something from the day that went well (Rose), something that did not go well (Thorn), and something you’re looking forward to (Bud). It’s a great way to check-in with everyone about how they are doing, but it also gives a nice chance to be grateful and optimistic, which are critical during times like the present and can go a surprisingly long way towards kickstarting self-care (and finding meaning). And, it’s easy. It takes 5 minutes and can be done over dinner, during a bath, or before bedtime.

A quick aside: While we did forego this nightly tradition a couple of years ago, we did begin a gratitude practice where we go around the dinner table sharing something we are grateful for. One night a few months ago, one of our two year olds didn’t miss a beat when it was her turn, and said, “I’m grateful for Dunkin’ Donuts!” (For those who know me, I am definitely grateful for DD, but I had not actually said it out loud.) And of course the reaction she received meant that she spent the next two weeks being grateful for DD!

Making Media: The No-Screens Loophole

For a lot of kids, creating media can be as fun as consuming it. My 4th grader loves making and sharing videos, and little brother E (and the rest of us) love to go along for the ride. He uses iMovie to put them together, and then posts them on YouTube after we review and give him the go-ahead.

C is a Dude Perfect fanatic, so capturing trick shots has been a common theme in our family videos. Typically the videos have brought together a motley (but impressive, IMHO) mix of trick shots; last week’s Breakfast at Our House was our foray into themes. Other family videos feature our competitive spirits at their very best (so says an undefeated bubble-blowing champion). Now more than ever, while other options are so limited, putting these together is a favorite way to spend time together.

In Week 1 of schools being closed, trick shots made their way into C’s virtual playdates, which I loved but would have had a hard time predicting or even imagining. I hoped making videos remotely with friends would become a regular thing, but since then Fortnite has come to dominate C’s screen time with his buddies (I’m uneasy about this, given that we don’t even let a Nerf gun into our house). Fortunately, ideas for making media continue to pop up and inspire action, as you can see in this exercise video the kids made last week after seeing one from their PE teacher.

Like many parents, I want to limit the time my kids spend in front of screens, and I want to positively influence what they’re doing when they are using them. When it comes to creating media, time restrictions are waived-- a phenomenon that C has aptly called “the no-screens loophole.”

Perhaps up next: the kids have been intent on breaking a Guinness World Record. So far I’ve successfully steered them away from their initial proposal...

…Whatever record they commit to will no doubt be media-worthy, so I guess we can consider this a To Be Continued...

Following Their Lead

Learning happens naturally all the time, and the more we follow our children’s lead with this, the less we actually have to do.

Preschool Edition

I’ve discovered that books combined with songs are the way to go with my girls. Going on a Bear Hunt has been a hit with all of my kids. Recently we’ve discovered Mr. Steve performing the book as an interactive song, there’s the reading of the book by Michael Rosen and Helen Oxenbury, and there’s the Cosmic Yoga version too. And then, take it off the screen! Set up household items as squishy grass, squelchy mud, or a cave/fort. Go outside for a walk and pretend like you’re on a bear hunt. You could hide a teddy bear somewhere and lead the kids on a path to it, or a sibling or parent could hide behind a tree and pop out and chase everyone. There are plenty of other ways to continue the adventure with pictures, surprise twists or even changes in the story!

Pete the Cat is another great launching place since many of the books have songs within them and are stories that are easy to re-enact in person or with stuffed animals, or to add surprise twists and changes to the story. You can use playdough to change the color of shoes, or use paint/markers to fill in outlines of shoes to create your own story book. What better message for today than: no matter what you step in, just keep on walking along and singing your song!

For more ideas, here are 32 Resources for Entertaining Toddlers and Preschoolers. But my point is always that this is just the beginning. Taking what your child brings into their imaginations from the screen or book is where the learning and play and fun just begins!

And a plug for Together Tales with the Whitman Storytellers. My husband and I worked with the Whitmans at the Hong Kong International School the year that SARS hit, and aside from being awesome people, they are also amazing teachers, storytellers, and experts at staying connected during quarantine.

K-2 Edition

Who doesn’t love bubbles? No, seriously. Tip: If you dip your hands in the bubble solution, then you can touch and catch and put your finger through bubbles. And go figure? Cosmic Yoga has a mindfulness video on thought bubbles. A stretch? Well, bubbles are elastic! And speaking of a stretch, why not have siblings make and use thought bubbles to communicate with each other in a new way, or have kids make cartoons with speech bubbles?

Another fun idea that our kids came up with during their collaborative learning time is to let us have a date night at home. They created the menu (prix fixe menu consisting of crackers and canned soup, but hey it’s better than having to cook myself!), set and wrote reasonable prices, and then prepared, served, and calculated the cost for their fine service (if they try to gouge you, just give a tip and consider the meal free--ha!). *Disclaimer: We have an amazing au pair and she was heavily involved in this effort.

3-5 Edition

Most kids are loving the chance to play digital games, but now they get to be the expert. Have them write a review or market it with media they create. What is the game? How do you play? What are the best parts or the hardest parts? What can you learn by playing the game? What are your pro tips?

Speaking of writing, for kids who enjoy creative writing, they might enjoy these online tips and classes by Story Pirates!

Finally, my older son loves to do “research,” which often means looking things up on the internet. I’ve been trying to figure out how to carefully monitor and focus his searches. So I had him come up with a topic to research, we brainstormed questions we have about it, and then I found 5 sites that he could use to do his research. I pasted the links within the document so that there weren’t just blind Google searches happening. And then it actually became his own launching pad. He did a “report” on Jupiter, and then decided to write a science fiction story using some of the things he learned about space and Jupiter to create realistic features (and totally made up adventures) for his story.

Do you have other ideas to share? Launch them our way!

Ideas from YOU

We hope that you are enjoying and benefiting from our posts on this blog, and we really appreciate you sharing your thoughts and ideas with us! In that spirit, and to encourage more sharing, here are some of the gems we’ve received from you:

Jumping Letter Party: For morning movement, our two kids (5 and 7) have a jumping party, and it has a letter of the day theme. As they jump, they come up with words that start with that letter and make a plan of what they will do with them. After they finish jumping, they might act out the words for parents to guess. They might use Legos or playdough to create the letter. They might cut out a giant letter and write as many of the words as they can on that letter. Finally, they use pipe cleaners to add to a growing alphabet decoration on the mantle.


Graphing Playdough Colors: The picture explains it all, but you could imagine doing this with other toys or household items, or even with things you collect outside!



Playing Hangman: Can you solve the puzzle?        

Neighborhood Scavenger Hunt: Starting from a park or central location, families have put together scavenger hunts using natural clues, but you could also make your own. (Or get some inspiration on PBS Kids with this Nature Cat Scavenger Hunt and related episode, or with this Daniel Tiger clip, or this Shape Hunt with Dinosaur Train! You could get some inspiration and practice some measurement and counting skills with this Peg+Cat Treasure Hunt video too!)

Neighborhood Dance Parties: At the same time, everyone puts on music and starts dancing. Stream it with friends on Facebook or go out on your lawn to dance from a distance with your neighbors. (Our oldest’s band teacher just told all the 4th graders to go outside at noon on Thursdays and play a song on their instrument for others to hear. Thank you, thank you for the recommendation to play their instrument outdoors-ha!)

Neighborhood Art Show: As your children make artwork, display it on a door or window so that people passing by can see it. You can also use chalk on driveways or sidewalks to say hello to walkers passing by and to share art and spread joy.

And finally, some Funnies to start off your week:

I’m loving the Borowitz Report! Here’s one on Trump distancing himself from his prior comments, and another on Trump and his TV Ratings!

In honor of April Fool’s Day, Marion included this amazing-ness in the notes about potential future projects from our Leadership Meeting at work this week:

KidLaunch: NASA is looking for a research team to support its 2021 initiative to send 10 children, ages 2-8 to the moon. The aim is to examine whether early, real-world space experiences lead to a better understanding of Earth and Space Science, relative to children’s Business-As-Usual exposure to related concepts and skills.

And I saw this tweet featured in a list put together by the Huffington Post: "Parents! Please post the board games and non-iPad things you are doing with your kids this week so I can block you!"

Our Routine

Yesterday Deb shared her family’s typical daily schedule, which bears some resemblance to the schedule we’ve been keeping with our kids. I’ve similarly found it works best for everyone to have a routine that’s relatively consistent from day-to-day and incorporates school work, outside time, [virtual] friend time, and family time.

This has been the general flow of my kids’ day, beginning with E bright-eyed (morning person) and C slow-and-cranky (like me, NOT a morning person).

Morning Walk	Rain or shine, they start the day with a walk around the neighborhood. The “leader” decides the route and tracks steps using a FitBit, recording the number of steps on each street. When they get home they each draw a map of the route. I’ll elaborate on this in some future post.
School Work	I mentioned in a past post that each of my kids gets a daily set of assignments from their teachers. My kindergartener gets little out of those activities when I’m not sitting there to guide, adapt, and talk about them, so my home base is at a table with him...but I run back and forth (and back and forth and back and forth) to my 4th grader-- usually to help with an assignment, but also to make sure he’s using his Chromebook to tell friends that this isn’t a good time to play Fortnite. For him, the goal to get through the more difficult and heftier assignments first, since this is when he’s best at focusing (despite not being a morning person).
Snack	This is preceded by an onslaught of “Is it snack time yet?” Usually by this time the school has sent morning announcements. In addition to featuring cute kids saying the Pledge of Allegiance, we find it a welcomed excuse to look at something other than each other. E’s kindergarten teacher also has been sending daily read-alouds of books, and even a 4th grader and 42 year-old think this goes great with peanut butter crackers and lemonade.
Exercise!	Ignoring all recommendations to digest before you exercise, Snack Time leads into a daily fitness video. We started with yoga, but we all find it boring. Moe Jones has been a hit, especially on April Fools when you insert a contortionist, but I can’t say I’ve done a landscape review and would love recommendations for fast-paced, kid-friendly exercise videos that work for 3 klutzy people in a small space. If the video’s relatively short (~15 minutes), they each choose a bonus Go Noodle video.
School Work	Same as before. By this time the Math and one or more Reading/Writing assignments are done, so it’s about finishing those and doing the other stuff that their teachers assigned.
Lunch	Self-explanatory, and a time for the kids to be together and away from “school” work. We make a loose plan for the rest of the afternoon.
Afternoon Hodgepodge	Depending on the weather and the day, this usually involves a combination of the following and/or other things that come up: Biking/scooting Backyard baseball. Art: sometimes school sends art activities. They also like drawing videos (Art Hub for kids, Mo Willems videos, and supposedly beginning today we can get a bit of Dav Pilkey) Make your own game: creating modified versions of games they like is turning into a hobby for both of them. I’ll post an example soon.  Board games: prior posts (like here) call out some heavy hitters, like Monopoly. The old Mad Magazine game is also a kid favorite.  Card games like Uno, Spot It!, Blink, or Top Trumps. Independent reading. Nintendo Switch.  Virtual playdates: these are daily for C at 4:30 and involve a group of friends eager to see each other. They yell at the top of their lungs while they play Roblox or Fortnite. E “sees” a friend most days, too, and they co-read a book (Like a Mo Willems’ Elephant & Piggie book, with each playing a character) or compare Pokemon cards. He does point out daily that C gets to see more friends than he does, and usually for longer. Strong sense of fairness.
Dinner	Now more than ever, all 4 of us are home. Where else would we be? The kids take turns setting the table, with the other one doing clean up. Then they get ready for bed (ABBT: All But Brushing Teeth). We’ve never been a dessert-every-night-family, but yeah, we do that now.
Main Event	This is not a COVID thing. The kids have always required that each night contain “A Main Event,” which is something that they both agree is special. It’s a board game, some kind of tournament or project, or a movie or episode that everyone at home has to watch. While I’ll miss it when the Main Event fades away (and it undoubtedly will), the need to come up with something daily is exhausting.

I feel like it’s important for weekend days to feel really different from “school” days so that we all return to the weekday schedule feeling refreshed and like we had a break from the new norm. In practice, we haven’t figured out how to do this well yet, given that our leave-the-house options are so limited and the weekend weather’s been bad. Hoping for some hikes or nicer outside walks to come.

Schedules, Routines, and Normalcy

We all have likely heard the importance of keeping up typical routines, creating a predictable schedule, and maintaining a sense of normalcy during times of stress and rapid change. Taking care of the basics, like waking and eating at our regular times are the first steps to ensuring our mental and physical energy stores are available for ourselves and for the task of supporting our kids. (Shout out to my husband who was interviewed on Vermont Edition about managing stress and anxiety during COVID!)

Many of us have routines that we can use as a foundation and build on during these times, but many of us are establishing new routines or changing existing ones. So how do we jump in?

First, some great thoughts from PBS Kids for Parents.

Second, it’s taken our family a couple of weeks to settle into a bit of a schedule. I think it’s incredibly important to remember that every family will have different needs, priorities, and constraints and so there is definitely no “one size fits all” approach available here. This is why it’s important to take these ideas as considerations and possibilities to adapt to your own circumstances. And then remind yourself constantly to be flexible because no two days will likely be the same. And just in time for this post, Common Sense Media started Wide Open School that has great suggestions for schedules and structuring of the day (as well as activities for learning, self-care, movement, etc. to put into those slots) that I encourage you to check out.

So, right now, this is what is working for us:
8-9: Get ready for school (clothes, brushing teeth, eating breakfast, morning chores)
9-10: Outdoor/movement/mediation time (whatever you need for your body to be ready to learn)
10-11:30: Adult supported learning time (our school has provided menus of options for each subject area and we're trying to check off 2/subject by the end of the week)
11:30-12:30: Lunchtime (prepare, eat, and clean up) and then play time
12:30-1:15: Quiet reading time (works well with our pre-nap routine)
Afternoon Flex Time: We've created our own menu (thanks Jo for the idea!) with suggested times for the boys to structure their time, and allow me to get my work done! Some ideas:

• Independent time (no one can interact with anyone else)
• Free choice (technology allowed)
• Movement/outdoor time
• Household help (regular chores, but now there is more to be done so involve them in it! Heck, organize your house!)
• Collaborative learning/explore time (board games; cards; puzzles; video chats/interviews; creating art, scripts, media; learn another language…)
• Music time (practice, listen, dance, hear a friend play their instrument...)

That all sounds grand, right? Okay, here are the outtakes:

• The weather is amazing! Scrap the schedule and get outside for as long as possible!
• Dance parties sound really fun, and then someone gets a bloody lip!
• That livestream of a workout I want to do isn’t at the right time. Adjust schedule!
• That livestream of Mo Willems or story time isn’t at the right time. Adjust schedule!
• Friend is available to FaceTime-adjust schedule again!
• I’m exhausted. Free choice just got extended!
• That writing prompt went way faster than I expected (or was a complete bust). Who wants to play a game on pbskids.org?

And here are some of the pleasant surprises:

• Devoting time to being present with my kids, especially in different combinations (when I can), has been very positive for all of us. And I already have a much better sense of what they are interested in, which allows me to get them learning in ways that they want to (no more pulling teeth!).
• My kids have rarely asked that dreaded question, “What can I do?”
• Somehow the siblings are actually getting along. This one is still a conundrum to me (but perhaps has to do with that devoting time thing…), but I’m going to ride it for as long as it lasts.