In my own life, I notice myself being stuck in the same interactions. Why do I keep having this same fight? Why do I keep putting other people’s needs ahead of my own? Think of what being “stuck” looks like for you. I’m sure it’s there because, after all, we’re only human.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about some of my “stuck” points, and I keep coming back to the need for trying something different. And more and more I’m realizing that different is just that: different. It doesn’t have a judgment attached to it. It’s more of an observation, or something to experiment with. Doing something different is pretty likely to lead to a different outcome. For example, try meeting that person in your argument with curiosity, or try saying no to something you might have normally said yes to. See what happens. My husband shared this Autobiography in 5 Chapters by Portia Nelson with me that captures this so well:
Chapter 1: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter 3: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it there, I still fall in. It’s habit. It’s my fault. I know where I am. I get out immediately.
Chapter 4: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
Chapter 5: I walk down a different street.
I love this quick description of life. And just like with our other “stuck” points in life, it’s incredibly applicable and powerful within the context of institutional and systemic racism. We’re going to keep walking down the same street and falling in that same hole if we don’t open our eyes to the hole and do something different. And though it takes time to even notice the opportunity to do something different, once you see a different path, there’s no going back down that same street again.
I also really appreciate that this autobiography starts in observation and lack of responsibility and ends with agency and action. One of the people quoted in the article from the start of this post said: “Don’t frame anti-racist work as an extracurricular, but rather as an integral part of life...Art, coding, policy, statistics--all of these can be harnessed for anti-racist work on a daily basis.” To really make change requires commitment, putting intention and action together to do something different.
This also got me thinking about Carol Dweck’s revolutionary idea of growth mindset, that believing one can learn and improve allows one to put in the effort required to actually learn and improve. Like anti-racism, it’s a pervading idea and way of life that cannot be siloed into a specific context. Just as I said at the beginning that change was not comfortable to me yet, I can work at it and grow in my relationship to change. The same is true of anti-racism. It may not pervade my everyday experience yet, but I can work at it and I can change. Like this Mom of All Capes on a new podcast I’m enjoying points out, we have the power to “turn talking into action” and to see that “the world isn’t falling apart; it’s coming together.” Let’s notice our differences, see our opportunities to try something different, and put in the effort to be a part of that change!
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